Women suffer from depression at a much greater rate than men. Our culture makes it extremely difficult for women to feel as though they have gotten it 'right.' Stay home full time to raise kids and women often feel as though they have betrayed their gender's efforts to increase women's value in the workplace. Go to work full time and women often feel as though they are betraying their children who need their mother. Try to do both part-time and women often feel as though they are doing neither very well. The end result often is a sense of incompleteness, failure, futility, and eventually, depression.
As a husband and father who works full-time, I can come home, spend a little extra time with my wife and kids and society treats me like I'm some kind of hero. What an incredible double standard!
For women who feel trapped by this societal, no-win scenario, here are some practical steps:
1. Train your kids and your partner to understand that you are going to take some time each day (even 15 minutes) in which you are off duty. During this time, you will do something restoring (take a bath, read a poem, call a friend or loved one, watch the sunset, listen to some music, write in a journal).
2. Trade kid-time with neighbors. It's often easier to manage children when there are more of them in your home, especially when they include your children's friends. Trade-off time with the neighbors on a routine basis. This frees up a little more time for you during the week to decompress, if only for a short time. It is more about creating and maintaining intentionality around not always responding to the needs of everyone else all day long. It will lessen your resentment, fatigue and feelings of burn-out.
3. Forward this blog entry to your partner. Emphasize the importance of getting a few days off every six weeks. Most women never get a day off. If a male executive came to my office complaining of stress and burnout, having confessed to working seven days per week, 14 hours per day, guess what my advice would be? Stop working so much. No human being is 'built' to work such a grueling schedule. Take a few days off in a row on a regular basis for rest and restoration. So, why should it be any different for women who feel constantly pulled in so may directions by so many people virtually all of the time?
4. Learn to set reasonable limits. Teach your children that quiet time for everyone is valuable. It's a time to decrease the stimulation and do some quiet activity in the midst of the whirlwind of life.
5. Teach your children to take on responsibilities from an early age. We as parents have often made the mistake of over-indulging our children. They need to learn to not only complete chores on their own, but to even take notice when something needs attention in the way of picking up / cleaning up. Okay, you may be saying to yourself that I must be completely out of touch with how children are. But, with the proper incentives, guidance, consistency, and modeling, they can be taught (trained) to do this.
6. When efforts to implement these steps fail, it's time for some coaching / counseling to get things in better balance.
