Money holds a unique place in long term committed relationships. It's the number one thing that people lie about in a relationship, and is one of the most common causes of arguments. Money, together with time, sex, and food (meal preparation), is a powerful 'currency' which symbolizes the giving and receiving of love. Are you giving out more than you're getting back?
Money is a focus in a relationship for a number of reasons. It's tangible. You can see in black and white terms what a bank balance is, how much is owed on a credit card, and whether payments are late. It's far harder to get one's 'arms' around more murky, but more important issues like the amount of kindness and tenderness there is in a relationship. How about compassion, understanding, and empathy? These, too, are crucial, but they're harder to define, measure, and therefore, talk about.
Money looms very large in our culture as the standard of success and security. And of course, money is important. But we shouldn't let it loom larger than kindness, tenderness, understanding, empathy, moral decency and living a meaningful life. Research has shown that once we're out of total poverty, subsequent increases in wealth don't really impact our overall happiness very much.
So, keep money in perspective. If you're going to have a money talk with your partner, keep in mind what you love and respect about the other person and tell this to him/her. Say aloud what values and virtues you cherish in the other, and then have a candid talk about money. Look at your financial realities square in the 'face' and come up with a solid plan to live your life within your means and make sustainable financial goals for your life now and for the future. But, as you do this, keep it all in perspective. Money really doesn't buy happiness. But, emotionally intimate, emotionally secure relationships do.
If you've lost perspective on this and need some guidance, in the Chicago area, consider a mental health professional at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
