The usual stock assertion in marital therapy is that spouses are more or less 50/50 responsible for the problems in the marriage. But there are also times when one spouse simply functions at a higher level most of the time than the other one. The more impaired spouse may have a problem such as an addiction, memory loss, chronic depression, or just plain and simple, he or she is constitutionally weaker from a psychological standpoint. The weaker spouse may lack self discipline, sustained follow through, and generally has a harder time making and keeping commitments.
Sometimes these differences are simply going to be there for the long haul. It's really important that if you're the stronger or healthier spouse to follow some general principles. First, don't organize your life around what your spouse is doing wrong. Compliment him/her for something done right every day. Don't try to correct, rehabilitate or fix the other person. The impaired spouse already feels inferior and playing the role of teacher or therapist can only make this worse. Ask him or her to teach you something that they're better at than you are.
Do your best to create and sustain healthy, emotionally close relationships with friends. It's hard to expect a marriage to meet all of one's needs for closeness anyway. But this is even more the case when a spouse is impaired in some way. Support groups such as Al-Anon (when a loved is an alcoholic) or Nar-Anon (when a loved is addicted to drugs) can be invaluable to learn how to keep your sanity and even find serenity when in relationship to an addicted person.
Do your best to exercise regularly, eat right, and have a few hobbies or other pursuits to give your life more balance and enjoyment. I also try to remember such adages as "getting better at love is more important than being right." In his latest book, Flourish, Martin Seligman talks about well being using the concept of 'flourish.' To flourish is have positive emotions, flow, meaning, love, gratitude, accomplishments, growth and improved relationships with others. These can grow in us even when married to someone who is not functioning very well.
If you're trying to keep your head above water while in relationship to an impaired spouse and need assistance, in the Chicago area, contact one of the talented mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
