On rewards and punishments....

There is one and only definition of a reward. Your child does something and you respond in such a way that your child keeps doing what he or she was doing or does it more often. That's it. And, there's one and only one definition of a punishment. Your child does something and you respond in such a way that your child stops doing the behavior or does it less often. You can only tell if your parenting behavior is a reward or a punishment based upon the effect that it has on your child's behavior. Here's how it works. Your closed down, quiet adolescent son finally opens up while you're in the car together. You respond with understandable enthusiasm and start asking lots of questions. Your son shuts down. By definition, even though it was not your intention, your enthusiasm is functionally a punishment because it resulted in your son stopping a given behavior. In another example, your nine year daughter has acted out and you want to send her to her room. She wants an explanation. You end up in a lengthy debate about whether or not she deserves a punishment. You get frustrated and end up yelling at her. This goes on for some period of time. During the exchange it occurs to you that her defiance has continued. Your yelling, which you think of as a punishment or a consequence has actually functioned as a reward because your daughter's defiant behavior has persisted or maybe even increased. So, always pay attention to the effect that your parental behavior has on your child. Kids are often rewarded by your time and attention even if it's negative attention. If it becomes hard to sort out, don't hesitate to get a consult at http://www.heritageprofessional.com