Everyone's personality, regardless of type, exists on a continuum somewhere between very healthy and very troubled. Signs of a healthy personality include: resilience, creative problem solving even under stress, flexible adaptation to change, resourcefulness, the ability to see opportunities for change and growth, a realistic assessment of one's self worth, being open to new experiences, being truthful, regulating and controlling anger and other impulses, the capacity to expect realistic entitlements, and finally, having good, mutual relationships with non-family members over many years. Signs of an impaired / unhealthy personality include many of the opposite traits: a persistent defensiveness, inflexibility under stress, failure to learn from experience, persistent lying, a tendency to collapse and have trouble coping under stress, seeing oneself as a victim, blaming others for one's misfortune, not being able to realistically assess one's self worth (i.e., either feeling chronically low in self esteem or having an inflated sense of self worth), being close-minded, not properly regulating anger and other impulses, either allowing oneself to be treated like a doormat, or treating others in this way, and not having good, mutual, long-term relationships with non-family members.
One of the best things you can do when relating to difficult people, is to embody as many traits of a healthy personality than you can. Stay flexible and adaptive; don't respond defensively; do a good job of looking after your own needs where you can so that you end up neither deprived nor as resentful. Seek feedback from those whom you trust to tell you the truth as they see it, and listen carefully to their perspectives. Remember that getting better at love is more important than being right. Set healthy boundaries and enforce them with loving detachment. Resolve that you're not going to let difficult people bring out the worst in you. When all else fails, get some help - call it interpersonal coaching, therapy, or consultation. In the Chicago area, check out http://www.heritageprofessional.com/ We can help you cultivate the healthy aspects of your personality, learn about your blind spots, and become more resilient and capable in handling difficult people.
