Kids need to know that their parents are the authority figures in the home. They also need to know that they are loved. Usually, one parent is better at one of these and one parent is better at the other. In most homes, it is the dad who is the disciplinarian and the mom is the one who is better at the love, comfort and nurture. The ideal is for both parents to be equally good at both - that is, each parent should learn to be really good at both firmness and emotional nurture.
Dads generally need some help in 'dialing down' their anger with their kids. When I see my kids startle in response to my discipline of them (I have two boys), I realize that I have not done a good job of more seamlessly setting limits. When they escalate, I need to let them know that they are starting to travel out of bounds of my limits. So, I now try to raise my voice a little saying "Gentlemen!" This gets their attention first and foremost. I then remind them what they need to be doing. Most days this works. But, if they're more distracted than usual and I'm tired (usually a combination of the two) we move on to the next 'round.' At this point I say in a somewhat louder voice "Guys, you know that I am plenty capable of yelling. Let's get going." Almost always, they get with 'the program' and do what I am asking. When they don't startle, I realize that my escalation was not a surprise to them. I usually get something like "sorry - we're going up now (to brush teeth, get ready for bed, etc)."
Discipline works best in the context of a loving relationship with your kids. You'll never spoil them by telling them that you love them. And, you can't say those words too much. Physical affection is really important too. Don't hesitate to hug your kids - even your teenage boys (it won't turn them into sissies). Bed time routines are often an ideal time for this. So are good byes and hellos at the beginning and end of your work days. It makes your children more secure emotionally and they're more likely to respect you and follow your direction when it's time for discipline.
Studies on really well adjusted college kids have shown that a primary reason for their healthy adjustment is that their dads were present in their lives both physically and emotionally. A mother's presence is expected. And when a mother is absent, kids are really handicapped in the emotional adjustment department. But the presence of a dad physically and emotionally is the added variable that leads to a very well adjusted young adult.
If it's hard to get the right balance, don't hesitate to consult with a mental health professional. In the Chicago area, consider us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/
