Thursday, August 21, 2008

Men, women, and competence

Men and women both want to feel competent. Competence feeds self esteem. When we’re feeling low, we want to do that which restores a sense of mastery and competence. When that happens, self esteem is restored. The problem is that most men and most women go about the process of feeling competent in very different ways.

Women feel competent when they create and maintain emotionally meaningful connections with others. They will feel at their best when their important relationships are going well. And they will feel at their worst when there’s been a rift in their important relationships. When feeling low or stressed, most women seek to connect emotionally with those important to them. They’ll want to talk. The point is not to fix things or solve problems. The connection is really about restoring good feelings between themselves and those around them.

Men feel competent when they feel a sense of mastery and capability in the physical world around them. This could be through solving problems, fixing things, or by being competitive at work or sports. There’s the vicarious sense of mastery that comes through channel surfing on television to watch other men pursue mastery. When feeling low or stressed, men are more likely to take on a task that will leave them with a feeling of mastery and accomplishment. Connections with other men are mostly about accomplishing a task and feeling more masterful.

The problem is that when women and men engage one another, they try to encourage the other person to do what they, themselves, want. Women want men to open up when they are feeling stressed or low. They want men to talk about their problems. This often leaves men feeling more vulnerable, ashamed, and talking doesn’t restore a man’s sense of competence. Women talk because they want connection. Men often react to women with practical solutions to fix the problems because it’s what they would want for themselves in order to restore a sense of competence. Women don’t need to feel masterful in the physical world to restore confidence. They do, however, want connection.

If you’re a woman talking to a man, recognize that when he’s trying to restore mastery through achievement, he’s working at being competent just like what you’re doing when you’re looking for connection. A man won’t ask for directions when he’s lost because he will feel less competent about himself in the process. Let him restore some competence by working on a project or by looking for competence vicariously on television. Sports or other viewing, in the right measure, is being done to restore mastery, and hence competence, and hence, self esteem.

If you’re a man talking to a woman, she wants to have her feelings validated. She wants to be heard. She doesn’t want her problems fixed or other practical solutions. Let her restore some competence merely by connecting with you. That’s all you need ‘do.’ For women, connection bring competence, which brings self esteem.

For more help in bridging the gender gap, contact a mental health professional. In the Chicgago area, consider us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/