Many parents get divorced believing that things will get better in their lives. They will be happier, and therefore, their children will be happier. The data generally suggest that divorce is not good for kids. But, if a divorce has already occurred or appears inevitable, there are some guidelines to follow that reduce the harm to kids. A very good book on managing life after the divorce is Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolini Ricci.
Here is a list of 'Dos' and 'Don'ts':
Do:
1. Set an agenda for any parenting discussion with your former spouse, share it with him or
her ahead of time and stick to it
2. Think of goals you will set for yourself to become a better parent
3. Use a business-like level of decorum when having discussions with the other parent
4. Support and encourage the other parent when you see something that they’re doing right
5. Encourage each child’s relationship with the other parent
6. Treat the other parent in the same manner that you wish to be treated
Don’t:
7. Use name calling, profanity or any other form of disrespectful language
8. Interrupt
9. Play the role of victim
10. Ask your child to report about the behavior or actions of the other parent
11. Talk to your child about perceived problems, weaknesses or negatives traits in the other
parent
I have found it helpful for any parent who feels alienated and shut out of their children's lives to keep journals to each child. Write about your concerns for your child, as well as your hopes and ambitions for him or her. Share your own feelings of anguish, of hurt or loneliness. Share your feelings about wanting to be more involved in your child's life. But DON'T write about your former spouse's flaws, mistakes or other negative behaviors. DO write about things your child has done that have made your proud. There may be a time in the future when your child approaches you and asks about what happened around the time of the divorce. Being able to present a journal that you kept just for him or her over the years will impress upon them how much they mattered to you throughout all of those difficult years.
I have worked with many families off and on over the course of many years during and after a divorce. The better parent-child relationship years later is the one in which the parent didn't talk negatively about the other parent. They didn't try to gain advantage by sharing the 'dirt' on the other parent with the children. They didn't play the role of victim. Instead, they faithfully looked after the child's needs and continued with their own personal growth and development. See my prior blog on coping with difficult people for more advice on how to do this.
For coaching on managing divorce in the Chicago area, see us as at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for names of reputable mental health care providers in your area.
