Frequently I am asked by parents of teens how whey should balance their teen's right to privacy versus a parent's right to know what their teen is up to. Many parents have expressed alarm about the content of emails, text messages, and Instant Messanging that their teens are exchanging with their friends. Even 'good girls' use extremely vulgar and sexually graphic language with their friends. 'Good boys' can easily get hooked on internet pornography. Parents sigh about the decay in values. Anything from sexually suggestive to pornographic images of their teens are getting posted on Facebook. Parents wonder if it's okay to 'spy' on their teens by using available technology to track what their teens are up to. My response follows along a couple of principles.
What is your motive in wanting to know? If it's idle curiosity, trouble letting go, or you've always snooped - it's just a character trait - then these are not good reasons to monitor your teens' activities.
But, if you have become privvy to some troublesome behaviors in your teens, then first and foremost, talk to them about it. Try to stick to language that involves your concern for them rather than your judgment of them. If you suspect that the behaviors are persisting, and your child is lying about it, then I say do the greatest good and the least harm. By this I mean - consider which is the worst case scenario: a) you invade your child's privacy, they find out and they mistrust you in turn; b) you remain in the dark about your child's worrisome behaviors and something really bad happens (your daughter ends up with her nude pics on the internet; your son is up for three hours every night looking at internet porn). If you want to avoid the latter, then I say it's morally justifiable to monitor your teen's activities. Then, when you become aware of something worrisome, talk to them about it again. If they lie about it, then you may want to tell them that out of your concern, you have been monitoring their activities. At that point, counseling is the likely way to go.
Many teens get very upset when they learn that their parents have been monitoring their behaviors. I find it helpful to say something to teens like this. "You know how you can have a friend tell you 'I'm feeling suicidal but don't tell anyone. Or, I'm doing LSD but don't tell anyone.' So, you know what it's like to be in a terrible dilemma. You don't want to betray your friend by telling their parents, but you don't want something terrible to happen to them either. All you can do is strive to do the greatest good. It's the same thing with your parents wrestling with your right to privacy and their right to know what you're up to."
For further assistance in negotiating these challenging situations in the Chicago area, come see us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/ or go to someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
