Women and depression

Women suffer from depression at a much greater rate than men. Our culture makes it extremely difficult for women to feel as though they have gotten it 'right.' Stay home full time to raise kids and women often feel as though they have betrayed their gender's efforts to increase women's value in the workplace. Go to work full time and women often feel as though they are betraying their children who need their mother. Try to do both part-time and women often feel as though they are doing neither very well. The end result often is a sense of incompleteness, failure, futility, and eventually, depression.

As a husband and father who works full-time, I can come home, spend a little extra time with my wife and kids and society treats me like I'm some kind of hero. What an incredible double standard!

For women who feel trapped by this societal, no-win scenario, here are some practical steps:

1. Train your kids and your partner to understand that you are going to take some time each day (even 15 minutes) in which you are off duty. During this time, you will do something restoring (take a bath, read a poem, call a friend or loved one, watch the sunset, listen to some music, write in a journal).
2. Trade kid-time with neighbors. It's often easier to manage children when there are more of them in your home, especially when they include your children's friends. Trade-off time with the neighbors on a routine basis. This frees up a little more time for you during the week to decompress, if only for a short time. It is more about creating and maintaining intentionality around not always responding to the needs of everyone else all day long. It will lessen your resentment, fatigue and feelings of burn-out.
3. Forward this blog entry to your partner. Emphasize the importance of getting a few days off every six weeks. Most women never get a day off. If a male executive came to my office complaining of stress and burnout, having confessed to working seven days per week, 14 hours per day, guess what my advice would be? Stop working so much. No human being is 'built' to work such a grueling schedule. Take a few days off in a row on a regular basis for rest and restoration. So, why should it be any different for women who feel constantly pulled in so may directions by so many people virtually all of the time?
4. Learn to set reasonable limits. Teach your children that quiet time for everyone is valuable. It's a time to decrease the stimulation and do some quiet activity in the midst of the whirlwind of life.
5. Teach your children to take on responsibilities from an early age. We as parents have often made the mistake of over-indulging our children. They need to learn to not only complete chores on their own, but to even take notice when something needs attention in the way of picking up / cleaning up. Okay, you may be saying to yourself that I must be completely out of touch with how children are. But, with the proper incentives, guidance, consistency, and modeling, they can be taught (trained) to do this.
6. When efforts to implement these steps fail, it's time for some coaching / counseling to get things in better balance.

On conflict resolution......

Rarely in the course of human conflict is there only one side to the story. For that matter, there are rarely only two sides. Most often, there are several 'truths' in the conflict. The fact that many of them contradict one another doesn't make any of them untrue. A biographer, writing about the Wright brothers, believed that they solved the mystery of flight in just three years because they could argue about a theory of flight, then stop, switch positions, and argue with the same passion about the opposite point of view. Neither had to be the one who was right. What if we could have the same flexibility and adaptability when arguing with a loved one? What if we could stop, take their position, and argue it with equal passion?

I encourage people in conflict to name every truth that they can. It's even better if they can name some of the truths more favorable to the other person. This 'multiple truths' approach helps people avoid the awful 'did not, did too' circular arguments that go nowhere. It also respects the complexity of most human conflicts as well as the fact that both parties have some truth that deserves to be honored and respected.

On raising kids.....

On raising children... the two most common mistakes I see parents make in raising kids are (1) over-indulgence and (2) not giving them enough of your quality time.
On overindulgence... kids need to experience optimal frustration. That is, they need to experience enough setbacks in life to learn frustration tolerance, persistence in the midst of setbacks without losing hope, and the value of sustained self-discipline to realize important, larger goals in life. Optimal frustration also teaches them that things simply won't come their way merely because they wish for them. They will also learn that even with diligent effort, sweat and toil, good outcomes are not automatically guaranteed. None of us is automatically entitled to good things merely because we wish for them.
On giving kids enough of your quality time... no other single parental action will fuel your children's healthy self-esteem more than giving them enough of your time, focused on meeting their needs rather than your own. Tuning into them and spending time with them communicates that you value them. Follow their lead, offer them the opportunity to choose among different choices (all of which you can live with).

What makes for a good life?

Is it more money? Actually, once you're out of total and complete poverty, increases in net worth have no discernable impact on happiness. That is, unless you become extremely wealthy, and then happiness starts to diminish.

Creating (and maintaining) healthy, emotionally nourishing connections with others will increase happiness.

You can increase happiness by taking even five or ten minutes per day to 'act upon the day' rather than just trying to keep up with everything coming at you. Try to develop a variety of things that can be done in short amounts of time that nourish you. Listen intentionally to some music. Play a little music yourself. Read a poem. Try writing one. Work even for brief amounts of time on a daily basis on some kind of creative project. Try to end each day with a sense of having acted upon the day rather than merely (and barely) keeping up with the demands of the day. If you try and can't manage to increase your happiness, get some help at http://www.heritageprofessional.com

Some thoughts about counseling

Psychotherapy or counseling is about entering into an important relationship for the purposes of self-exploration, looking at old problems from new perspectives, and experiencing yourself differently in a relationship than you may have in the past. It requires courage, a letting go of pride, and an openness to re-considering what you believe to be true about yourself and others. I work hard to provide an atmosphere for this to take place, as free as possible from shame or judgment. Hopefully, you can expect hefty doses of wisdom and humor in the midst of all of the hard work. Look for us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com

introduction

I am a clinical psychologist in private practice at Heritage Professional Associates in Hinsdale, Illinois (630) 325-5300. I have been in practice since 1984. For starters, here are some general adages that I have found to be as useful as they are difficult to do:

1. Getting better at love is more important than being right.

2. My definition of success: flexible adaption to change

3. Carl Roger's defintion of mental health is when your emotions match your circumstances

4. Never love principles more than people