What does it mean today to be a good man? Men are struggling to feel good about themselves in an increasingly complicated world. Men who were trained to work themselves to death in service of providing for their families end up feeling disillusioned. They feel unfulfilled, lonely, and have a vague sense of emptiness without knowing why. They often don't know even how to name what it is that they are feeling, other than frustrated, worn out, defeated, and maybe angry too much of the time.
Current beer commercials tease the man who cries, who wants to be close to his woman, or who is afraid, and tells him to "man up." Of course what this really means is to drink the right kind of alcohol like a real man and tease the men who are vulnerable. But, outside of beer commercials, these older definitions of masculinity seem to work less well today. Men who try to follow older masculine stereotypes are frustrated when these archetypes fail. The macho tough guy who prides himself in being competitive, self-reliant, aggressive, self-promoting, and restricted in the so-called vulnerable emotions is becoming archaic, out-dated, and useful in fewer and fewer circumstances in life. This older, more traditional view of manhood does not promote emotional intimacy and greatly limits the quality of marriage and of being a good dad to children.
So what is a template for today's man? It is a blend of work and commitment to family as a provider. But it also is about a greater capacity to experience and communicate about the vulnerable emotions. Fear, doubt, shame, uncertainty, loneliness, are examples of these. These are vital emotions, together with more familiar ones, love, tenderness, caring, assertiveness, which are important ingredients for emotional intimacy. When a man in angry, 99% of the time, one of the vulnerable emotions lies beneath the anger. A man is more adaptive, flexible and socially competent when he can recognize the vulnerable emotions within himself, and communicate about them directly and openly.
So, what's a man to do? There is help. Men need to learn how to first recognize, and then communicate about a wider range of emotions without the over-use of a limited number of emotions (anger, jealousy, pride, arrogance). Dr. Ron Levant has done extensive work treating what he refers to as normative male alexythymia. This refers to the inability to name a feeling. It recognizes that our culture has supported male roles that limit the emotions that are culturally acceptable for men to express. After all, what country could send an army into battle whose soldiers were trained to be in touch with their vulnerable emotions? Men are first taught to improve their vocabulary for emotion. This is because vocabulary is essential to perception. If we don't have a word for something, we are less likely to perceive it (some eskimos have 14 different words for snow. Try it - I'll bet you can't come up with that many, hence you will not perceive that many kinds of snow either). Once the vocabulary is enhanced, men are encouraged to use the newly acquired words in their communication with loved ones. The book, Masculinity Reconstructed, provides more specifics about the protocol for improving men's social competence.
Men use for coaching in business, personal trainers for fitness, so why not use one for improving social competence, and becoming better equipped to be a good husband and dad? In the Chicago area, try one of our experienced psychotherapists at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a qualified mental health professional.
