Men and intimacy - Part II

It's called "normative male alexythymia." In ordinary language, this refers to the common occurrence in men of a difficulty recognizing and processing certain emotions - particularly the vulnerable ones (fear, hurt, shame, embarrassment, rejection, uncertainty, loneliness, etc.). It sounds worse than it is. Fortunately, a recent movement in psychology, A New Psychology of Men, spearheaded by psychologists such as Ron Levant, has introduced a treatment protocol to help men improve their capacity to recognize and communicate in a deeper and richer emotional 'language.' It starts by working on literally expanded their vocabulary of words which describe emotions. From their it moves to learning how to recognize these emotions in themselves and others, and finally, how to communicate them to others. Men embrace the protocol because it is doable.

Often, men come to therapy because someone (a loved one or an employer) tells them that they have to get help or else. But, once in the therapist's office, they really don't know what to do next. Men like this protocol because it is easy to understand, it is structured, and they will feel mastery around the tasks assigned. It's not unlike the process of going to the local hardware store referenced in my posting, Men and Intimacy - Part I. To get started with this protocol, visit us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/ .

Men and intimacy - Part I

Men want (emotional) intimacy just like women do. The problem is, they don't know how to do it as well as women. Men will work really hard at something if you show them how in a non-shaming way. There's a small, local hardware store in town. Men come in droves on a Saturday morning with parts of some widget or another to meet some white haired guy named Gus of Clem. So, here they are...men in public asking for directions - for help on how to do something. And they're often doing it in front of an audience. What makes this possible? They expect that they will be enpowered to do something that they previously didn't know how to do. This is why Gus and Clem are there. So, there's no shame in showing up and asking for help. That's why people go there.

So, how do we create this same kind of environment in our homes so that men will open up, ask for help and be empowered to get better at emotional intimacy? Women, wives, girlfriends, consider this. Young boys are actually more emotionally reactive and responsive than are young girls. However, early in their childhoods, boys hear the messages "Big boys don't cry." "Don't be a mamma's boy." "Don't be a cry baby." When boys express vulnerable emotions in public, they're called "wuss" "sissy" and far worse. They soon learn not to express the vulnerable emotions. The whole process has been referred to as "normative cultural shaming." Some say that cultures throughout history have treated boys this way to prepare them emotionally to become warriors later in life. Who is the better warrior - the one in touch with his vulnerable emotions while in battle, or the one who has learned to convert his vulnerable emotions into anger and aggression?

On rewards and punishments....

There is one and only definition of a reward. Your child does something and you respond in such a way that your child keeps doing what he or she was doing or does it more often. That's it. And, there's one and only one definition of a punishment. Your child does something and you respond in such a way that your child stops doing the behavior or does it less often. You can only tell if your parenting behavior is a reward or a punishment based upon the effect that it has on your child's behavior. Here's how it works. Your closed down, quiet adolescent son finally opens up while you're in the car together. You respond with understandable enthusiasm and start asking lots of questions. Your son shuts down. By definition, even though it was not your intention, your enthusiasm is functionally a punishment because it resulted in your son stopping a given behavior. In another example, your nine year daughter has acted out and you want to send her to her room. She wants an explanation. You end up in a lengthy debate about whether or not she deserves a punishment. You get frustrated and end up yelling at her. This goes on for some period of time. During the exchange it occurs to you that her defiance has continued. Your yelling, which you think of as a punishment or a consequence has actually functioned as a reward because your daughter's defiant behavior has persisted or maybe even increased. So, always pay attention to the effect that your parental behavior has on your child. Kids are often rewarded by your time and attention even if it's negative attention. If it becomes hard to sort out, don't hesitate to get a consult at http://www.heritageprofessional.com

Four things to do to make for better relationships

Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a book called The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. His premise is that there are four basic agreements which, if fulfilled, lead to personal freedom. They are: 1. always tell the truth; 2. don't take things personally; 3. don't make assumptions; and 4. always do your best

It came up in one of our staff meetings at Heritage Professional Associates (http://www.heritageprofessional.com) that a modification to these four agreements may be in order as it relates to improving relationships. And these four agreements are:

1. Show up. In other words, be present. Don't get distracted by other events of the day. When interacting with others, try your best to put aside other thoughts which are competing for your attention and focus.
2. Tell the truth. As in, always tell the truth. This is one of the most basic ingredients in establishing trust.
3. Don't get defensive. Remember that the connection is more important than your pride. I'm not saying that this one is easy, but it still is an important goal to try and attain.
4. Don't worry about the outcome. We are often so outcome oriented. But, to do connection well with others, we can stay more present and connected emotionally if we're not thinking about some other desired 'end' to the connection.

On kids and school grades - what's their 'effort GPA'?

I hope that more than anything else, we want our kids to grow up to become happy, well-adjusted adults. They will have lives in reasonable balance with family, career, friends, hobbies and interests, etc. They will have enough self discipline to work towards meaningful, long term goals. But, they won't be so driven as to neglect relationships, leisure, and other forms of self care.

To help them accomplish this, their lives in childhood and adolescence need to reflect this same balance. I recommend that when it comes to school grades, the focus should be on the child's effort level much more than their actual, academic grades. I am less worried about the student who works hard for a 'C' than the lazy, gifted student who gets a 'B' on little or no effort. I will often ask kids what their 'effort GPA' would be if one were awarded. An 'effort GPA' of Bs in school seems to be the way to get a healthy balance in life. Kids who are are driven to put in a maximum effort at school (an effort GPA of 4.0) often do so as the cost of leisure, fun, relaxation, building relationships and caring for oneself. They usually end up with higher anxiety, stress, sleep problems, and overall happiness is diminished. And, they are setting the stage to do the same thing in adulthood.

However, kids whose 'effort GPA" drifts down to the 2.0 range and below will lack the self discipline to achieve meaningful long term goals in life. The doors of opportunity that will be left open for them will be beneath their ability level. The end result will likely be boredom, diminished self esteem, and a loss of vitality.

Granted, it is hard for any of us to achieve a healthy balance in life and keep it there. But, it helps to at least have some model in mind of what the balance should look like.