The Backwards Thinking in Healthy Relationships

I've seen many couples get tangled over certain issues and never resolve them. Like moths to the proverbial light, they become hooked into point - counterpoint; debate, argument, and the irresistible urge to prove that he / she is right about something. But pursuing these things really never promotes love, closeness or emotional intimacy. So, why do we do them? Maybe it's our cultural heritage - born on the notion that being right entitles us to something - privilege, or power or status. Maybe it's about feeling more in control in a relationship which leaves us feeling less vulnerable. But being right doesn't create or sustain love. Most couples who report having a big argument during the week, can't remember what the fight was about. But they remember how they were treated.

It's hard to let go of being right, or even the pursuit of being right. If we were to let go of this score-keeping, we become more anxious. We've lost a central mooring in the seascape of relating to others. But, William Butler Yeats invited us in his poem, Into the Twilight, to "....come clear of the nets of right and wrong." For to be in the business of judging others as right or wrong leaves us tangled in webbing that is contrary to love.

So, I coach couples on some decidedly un-American notions. Let go of fairness. It's way over-rated and doesn't promote love. It almost certainly promotes resentment. In the end, most of us are looking for love, tenderness, emotional intimacy, resting softly and safely in the arms of a lover. We simply can't there through debate, argument and amassing evidence in yet another 'courtroom' setting (which, with many couples,  doubles as a bedroom).

Just like defensiveness and argumentation encourages the same in the other person, so also is there a reciprocity around the opposite. Vulnerability invites vulnerability. Tenderness invites tenderness. Humility, kindness, putting love above being right all encourage the same behaviors on the part of the other. Strive to be your most loving, tender, vulnerable, humble self, letting go of being right and winning an argument. You'll be surprised by how over-rated being right is in the end.

If you're tangled in the did not - did do arguments (which quickly go nowhere), and are locked into the same arguments again and again, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable counselor to help you with your relationship. In the Chicagoland area, consider one of the counselors at Heritage Professional Associates.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is an often misunderstood concept. Most of us think of it as something we do for another person. We let them off the hook. We think that it should only happen after the other person recognizes their wrong-doing, apologizes, and then we forgive. We think that forgiveness is predicated on fairness, and should only be used when the other person makes the first (right) move.

But, forgiveness is really more for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. When we forgive, we're released from our resentment. Forgiveness can occur even when the other person has no idea that they've hurt you (as in "forgive them Father for they know not what they do"). It is about choosing to no longer focus on the injustice. There are some pretty good quotes and sayings about forgiveness floating around in various literature and on the internet. These are not my original ones:

1. If you want to bury someone with your resentments, dig two graves.
2. I can be happy, or I can be right.
3. Resentment is you drinking the poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.
4. Don't choose forgiveness because the other person deserves it; choose forgiveness because you deserve peace.

I also think of the various things I have done to hurt others. There are the things that I am aware of, and then there are the things I've done to others that I don't realize.  A great book on the spiritual aspect of forgiveness is Tim Keller's book, The Prodigal God. It's a compelling look at how self-righteousness can be a more problematic form of wrong-doing than the more obvious kinds of misdeeds.

I challenge myself with the notion: "getting better at love is more important than being right." Forgiveness brings us closer to others, softens us, tenderizes us, and in the end brings us peace in a way that not even the best of confrontations can accomplish.

If you're trying to forgive but are stuck in your resentments, talk to a trusted member of the clergy. Or seek out a trusted mental health professional. In the Chicago area, consider someone at Heritage Professional Associates.