Men, women, and competence

Men and women both want to feel competent. Competence feeds self esteem. When we’re feeling low, we want to do that which restores a sense of mastery and competence. When that happens, self esteem is restored. The problem is that most men and most women go about the process of feeling competent in very different ways.

Women feel competent when they create and maintain emotionally meaningful connections with others. They will feel at their best when their important relationships are going well. And they will feel at their worst when there’s been a rift in their important relationships. When feeling low or stressed, most women seek to connect emotionally with those important to them. They’ll want to talk. The point is not to fix things or solve problems. The connection is really about restoring good feelings between themselves and those around them.

Men feel competent when they feel a sense of mastery and capability in the physical world around them. This could be through solving problems, fixing things, or by being competitive at work or sports. There’s the vicarious sense of mastery that comes through channel surfing on television to watch other men pursue mastery. When feeling low or stressed, men are more likely to take on a task that will leave them with a feeling of mastery and accomplishment. Connections with other men are mostly about accomplishing a task and feeling more masterful.

The problem is that when women and men engage one another, they try to encourage the other person to do what they, themselves, want. Women want men to open up when they are feeling stressed or low. They want men to talk about their problems. This often leaves men feeling more vulnerable, ashamed, and talking doesn’t restore a man’s sense of competence. Women talk because they want connection. Men often react to women with practical solutions to fix the problems because it’s what they would want for themselves in order to restore a sense of competence. Women don’t need to feel masterful in the physical world to restore confidence. They do, however, want connection.

If you’re a woman talking to a man, recognize that when he’s trying to restore mastery through achievement, he’s working at being competent just like what you’re doing when you’re looking for connection. A man won’t ask for directions when he’s lost because he will feel less competent about himself in the process. Let him restore some competence by working on a project or by looking for competence vicariously on television. Sports or other viewing, in the right measure, is being done to restore mastery, and hence competence, and hence, self esteem.

If you’re a man talking to a woman, she wants to have her feelings validated. She wants to be heard. She doesn’t want her problems fixed or other practical solutions. Let her restore some competence merely by connecting with you. That’s all you need ‘do.’ For women, connection bring competence, which brings self esteem.

For more help in bridging the gender gap, contact a mental health professional. In the Chicgago area, consider us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/

Coping with difficult people

Everyone's personality, regardless of type, exists on a continuum somewhere between very healthy and very troubled. Signs of a healthy personality include: resilience, creative problem solving even under stress, flexible adaptation to change, resourcefulness, the ability to see opportunities for change and growth, a realistic assessment of one's self worth, being open to new experiences, being truthful, regulating and controlling anger and other impulses, the capacity to expect realistic entitlements, and finally, having good, mutual relationships with non-family members over many years. Signs of an impaired / unhealthy personality include many of the opposite traits: a persistent defensiveness, inflexibility under stress, failure to learn from experience, persistent lying, a tendency to collapse and have trouble coping under stress, seeing oneself as a victim, blaming others for one's misfortune, not being able to realistically assess one's self worth (i.e., either feeling chronically low in self esteem or having an inflated sense of self worth), being close-minded, not properly regulating anger and other impulses, either allowing oneself to be treated like a doormat, or treating others in this way, and not having good, mutual, long-term relationships with non-family members.

One of the best things you can do when relating to difficult people, is to embody as many traits of a healthy personality than you can. Stay flexible and adaptive; don't respond defensively; do a good job of looking after your own needs where you can so that you end up neither deprived nor as resentful. Seek feedback from those whom you trust to tell you the truth as they see it, and listen carefully to their perspectives. Remember that getting better at love is more important than being right. Set healthy boundaries and enforce them with loving detachment. Resolve that you're not going to let difficult people bring out the worst in you. When all else fails, get some help - call it interpersonal coaching, therapy, or consultation. In the Chicago area, check out http://www.heritageprofessional.com/ We can help you cultivate the healthy aspects of your personality, learn about your blind spots, and become more resilient and capable in handling difficult people.

Dads and discipline

Kids need to know that their parents are the authority figures in the home. They also need to know that they are loved. Usually, one parent is better at one of these and one parent is better at the other. In most homes, it is the dad who is the disciplinarian and the mom is the one who is better at the love, comfort and nurture. The ideal is for both parents to be equally good at both - that is, each parent should learn to be really good at both firmness and emotional nurture.

Dads generally need some help in 'dialing down' their anger with their kids. When I see my kids startle in response to my discipline of them (I have two boys), I realize that I have not done a good job of more seamlessly setting limits. When they escalate, I need to let them know that they are starting to travel out of bounds of my limits. So, I now try to raise my voice a little saying "Gentlemen!" This gets their attention first and foremost. I then remind them what they need to be doing. Most days this works. But, if they're more distracted than usual and I'm tired (usually a combination of the two) we move on to the next 'round.' At this point I say in a somewhat louder voice "Guys, you know that I am plenty capable of yelling. Let's get going." Almost always, they get with 'the program' and do what I am asking. When they don't startle, I realize that my escalation was not a surprise to them. I usually get something like "sorry - we're going up now (to brush teeth, get ready for bed, etc)."

Discipline works best in the context of a loving relationship with your kids. You'll never spoil them by telling them that you love them. And, you can't say those words too much. Physical affection is really important too. Don't hesitate to hug your kids - even your teenage boys (it won't turn them into sissies). Bed time routines are often an ideal time for this. So are good byes and hellos at the beginning and end of your work days. It makes your children more secure emotionally and they're more likely to respect you and follow your direction when it's time for discipline.

Studies on really well adjusted college kids have shown that a primary reason for their healthy adjustment is that their dads were present in their lives both physically and emotionally. A mother's presence is expected. And when a mother is absent, kids are really handicapped in the emotional adjustment department. But the presence of a dad physically and emotionally is the added variable that leads to a very well adjusted young adult.

If it's hard to get the right balance, don't hesitate to consult with a mental health professional. In the Chicago area, consider us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/

Depression versus Grief

Depression and grief can feel identical to one another. There is sadness, loss of attention and concentration, decreased memory functioning, and changes in sleep, appetite, and sex drive. Things that used to provide enjoyment no longer do. It's hard to think about anything or anyone else in the midst of this kind of state. It hurts terribly and daily functioning can be profoundly affected.

But, there are also some key differences between depression and grief. Grief is triggered by an identifiable loss that could reasonably be expected to trigger loss and sadness in most people. The death of a loved one; the loss of a job; a job transfer and your child has to move from the only home that she/ he knew; a major financial set back; divorce - these are all significant losses that can trigger grief. But, people who are grieving have a sense that they are going to get over the loss eventually. And, usually outside of the specific loss, people who are grieiving can still appreciate other people and things in their life. I often 'prescribe' to my patients who are grieving, to take days off from the grieving to do more replinishing things. When tempted to grieve on the 'off' days, they can save the material for their next 'grieving day.' Grieving rarely lasts more than a month or two, and the worst of the grief starts to fade typically sooner than this.

Depression is a different phenomenon. It may or may not be triggered by an identifiable loss. People with clinical depression may not feel like they are ever going to get over it. As one of my depressed patients said to me: "When you are down in the dumps, it's like you're having a bad day. But when I'm depressed, I feel like I'm having a bad life." People who are depressed don't just snap out of it. There's no taking a day off from depression to focus on more replenishing things. There is a higher level of self absorption. Nothing feels good, tastes good, or is gratifying. Depression is often accompanied by suicidal thoughts; this is rarely true of grief (a grivieng person may want to be heaven with a lost loved one, but this is different than saying that they want to kill themselves to end their own suffering).

Grief goes away on its own and the worst of it goes away withing a week or two of the loss. Depression tends to linger. If the low mood is persisting, it's time to get a professional consultation to figure if it's depression or grief. Skilled and caring professionals are availble in the Chicago area at http://www.heritageprofessional.com. Otherwise, ask a trusted friend, pastor, or physician for a referral to a mental health professional for assistance.