A Different Way of Treating Panic Attacks

It doesn't happen frequently, but it’s happened to me way more than once. I’m spending the night in an unfamiliar place – a hotel or a relative’s home. I have to get up in the night and I stub my toe on a piece of furniture. It is very painful for the first minute or so, a little less painful the next minute, is still a minor annoyance for a few minutes beyond that, and then the discomfort passes altogether. Has this ever happened to you? And although it doesn’t happen that often, I do know that it’s probably going to happen again sometime in the future.

This is a pretty common experience in being human. But who among us avoids travel, going to hotels, or refuses to visit relatives because we might possibly stub our toes? Who gets worked up for weeks ahead of time, worried sick about stubbing our toes? We don’t. And the reason is entirely contained in how we interpret the experience. We know that it is temporary, not life threatening, and we have the utmost confidence that the pain and discomfort will pass soon and the day will proceed normally.

To those who have suffered a panic attack, it is positively frightening. Many assume that they’re having a heart attack and they worry that they’re going to die. Even after being checked out medically and reassured that their cardio-vascular system is fine, they still live in absolute fear of the next episode. They construe the experience as mortifiying, terrifying, potentially life threatening, and to be avoided at all costs. So, left untreated, people with panic disorder avoid more and more things which they believe could lead to a panic attack. In fact, the natural course of panic disorder, left untreated, is agoraphobia. That is, a person is afraid to even leave their home, worrying that to do so could cause a panic attack.

In the past, a primary treatment approach for panic disorder included relaxation training, with the hopes of getting someone to relax to the point that they would not have a panic attack at all. And, this is still a useful technique. However, more recently, it has been all about encouraging people to re-construe the experience of panic altogether. If we could think of a moment of panic as basically no different than stubbing one's toe, then it is less likely that the sufferer of panic disorder will live in dread for weeks before a given flight, a trip away from home, or any other scenario that in the past simply wore the person out in anticipation. A mantra to use over and over when approaching a dreaded situation is "it is discomfort, not danger."

There are experience logs which can be used to help people convert their panic episodes into toe-stubbing ones. Learning how to re-construe a panic experience from danger to mere discomfort is key on the road to recovery from this condition. For more assistance with panic disorder in the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

Girls and assertiveness

In our culture, it's hard for girls to develop a healthy measure of assertiveness. Girls who can stand their ground, engage in the healthiest of confrontations, clearly state their needs, and who can push back when being pushed around are often given labels from "tomboy" to the "B*#ch" label. This is no different than a boy who is more sensitive, less aggressive and more tender being called negative things from a mama's boy, cry baby to far worse names.

Girls should be encouraged by both parents to trust their instincts, and to feel positively about their ability to assert themselves with others. They should know that there's nothing wrong with being strong mentally and physically. There's a wonderful gymnastics poster of a girl upside down doing a move over the balance beam. It says something like "grit, strength and determination....that's what little girls are made of." Every girl should have a poster with some kind of message like that hanging up in her room. Girls need to hear from both parents, perhaps more so from their dads, that being feminine can include strength, grit and assertiveness. There is nothing unfeminine about any of these traits. Girls should know that their dads find this attractive in females. Their girls will grow up with more confidence and won't feel like they need to downplay this part of themselves in order to be acceptable to the boys / men in their lives.

Letting go of resentment

Let's start with two adages about resentment:

1. Resentment is like you drink a cup of poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.
2. If you want to bury someone with your resentment, dig two graves.

Resentment is the tendency to harbor negative feelings towards someone else for the perceived wrongs which they did to you. It's easy to get consumed with this mixture of anger, frustration, and desire to get even. But, resentment is like a pollutant that contaminates your nearly every waking moment. It's a holding onto a grudge, waiting for the apology which may never arrive. The person whom you perceive to have wronged you may have no idea that you're carrying around such feelings, and certainly doesn't realize how consumed you have become.

Resentment is not about forgiving another person. It is much more about releasing yourself from a host of negative emotions which are ruining your life. It's about not letting yourself organize your emotional life around someone else whom you have perceived to have wronged you. So, stop waiting for the apology. It may or may not ever come. But make the conscious choice to stop focusing on the negative and free yourself up to experience the positive, abundant aspects of life which are yours for the taking.

If you've tried, but cannot seem to get there from here, in the Chicago area consider seeing us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

A different slant on the law of attraction

We are generally attracted to others based upon how we feel about ourselves when we're around them. Or said another way, people will be attracted to us when they feel good about themselves when they're around us. So, it's helpful to ask ourselves the question "how does (name of person) feel about herself when she's around me?" And, if in doubt, you can always ask the person in question. They'll generally be glad that you're asking. Just be prepared when you ask an honest and bold question, you may get an honest and bold answer!

Many times when you sense that someone you like is drifting away, they're not feeling good about themselves when they're around you. Common to such drifting away are complaints of feeling inferior, feeling judged, or feeling generally on edge. Sometimes its boredom, or feeling anxious, especially if you're more prone to anger.

There are some useful personality tests that can help you spot your blind spots if things aren't working out in your relationships and you don't know why. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

How to Stop a Bully / Bullying

A bully belittles those whom he/she perceives to be weaker (emotionally and / or physically). Often this is done in front of an audience of peers. The bully is hoping to improve his / her social standing through intimidation. When bystanders laugh or even remain silent, it encourages the bully to persist in the behavior. The victims are left humiliated and angry.

One of the most powerful ways to stop a bully is to coach the bystanders. When they stand up and confront the bully, saying things such as "you are definitely not cool" or "maybe you'll stop this sort of thing when you become mature" the bully learns that he/she is actually losing social standing through their behaviors. This is the opposite of what they're looking for. When they learn consistently that they lose ground socially when they bully, the behavior will stop.

A newer version of bullying, cyber-bullying is when something intimidating and belittling is sent to the victim, and the bystanders are copied in the e-correspondence. The same method of stopping the bullying applies. The bystanders need to let the bully know that they do not approve of the behavior.

Approaching the authorities (parents, teachers, etc.) has its place too, but nothing is more powerful than the bystanders becoming unified and letting the bully know that they are losing social standing from the behavior.

Kids and Homework

One of the biggest points of contention between parents and their kids, when it comes to school, is that of doing homework. Kids complain that homework is boring. They don't see the point - they already know the material. Or they lie - "I don't have any homework." "I did it already." "I'll have time to do it in the morning." Getting at the truth of it can be challenging. Even with on-line access to kids' progress in school, many parents still are surprised when report cards arrive. The single biggest reason for bad grades in school is poor homework completion.

The most important reason to do homework varies according to the child. Most children need to do homework to reinforce what was learned in school. This is particularly true in subjects where repetition is key to learning and retention of material (such as math and spelling). Most kids will learn the lesson naturally (and with reinforcement from parents), that there is a direct relationship between performance on tests and whether or not they have studied / done their homework along the way.

But, there are some kids who really don't need the repetition in order to master the material. They get As on tests even without studying or doing their homework. But, if they don't do their homework, a really smart student can get Cs or worse. The best explanation to give these kids about the value of doing their homework is to prepare them for later in life. All careers of any kind will have elements to them that are flat out boring or tedious. In order to do well in a career, one needs to develop the skills in childhood to be self-disciplined, to endure that which is boring, but important, and to forge ahead and get things done thoroughly and responsibly. If one doesn't develop these life skills when younger, it will be very tough when older to do this. And then, someone will have to settle for a career that they can do rather than getting to choose a career that's more challenging and gratifying.

If you've tried everything that you know how and you can't get your child on track, in the Chicago area, look for us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

Our natural set point or baseline of happiness

There's a fascinating website (http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/archive.php?tag=epitap) in which people are encouraged to write their memoirs in just six words. The first published volume of these has the title "Not Quite What I Was Planning." Doesn't that sum up life? There are very few of us who manage to get through life without some major, unwanted 'bend in the road' of life.

But, research has shown that we all have a certain 'set point' of happiness. It seems to be a blend of temperament, basic constitution, genetic factors, and to a lesser degree, our experiences growing up. It's uncanny how we tend to return to this set point no matter the circumstances which life throws at us. An amazing study was done years ago that compared lottery winners to accident victims who became either paraplegic or quadriplegic. Immediately after the critical incident, of course there was a substantial difference in happiness. But within two years, these people returned to their original set points of happiness. Winning the lottery or becoming paralyzed really didn't affect this set point. So, if you're blessed with a naturally positive disposition and life really throws a curve ball at you, just bide your time. You'll find your way back to happiness.

The more challenging issue is what to do if your set point of happiness is low to begin with. That's when it's important to look for professional assistance to do all that you can to do increase your baseline of happiness. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.