The factors which leave someone vulnerable to infidelity are present long before the unfaithful behavior begins. There is a build up of entitlement (I deserve to be happy; because my spouse is ignoring me, I deserve to get my needs met somewhere else; I am entitled to physical intimacy). There often is a growing sense of loneliness. Many spouses who stray do not know how to effectively communicate their needs. They operate under the false premise of "If you really love me, then you'd know how I feel without me having to tell you."
Many wayward spouses are conflict avoidant. They don't want to hurt their spouse by telling them how distant they feel, how unhappy they are, etc. What is actually going on is that the wayward spouse becomes anxious around bringing up difficult, conflictual subjects. So, he/she goes quiet, acts out, and hurts their spouse much more deeply in the long run.
An excellent book to help couples after an affair is called, Surviving an Affair by Harley and Chalmer. And of course, counseling is essential to help couples as well. Affairs simply don't happen when a marriage is in good shape. It's essential to look at what left the couple vulnerable to an affair to begin with. If you're in the Chicago area, check out one of our therapists at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The Holidays....Here They Come Again.....
Your energy is already low, life seems to go by so fast, and it's hard to keep up under normal circumstances. Now, here come the holidays with the extra demands, time commitments and financial burdens. So, it's to be expected that you may not be in the most enthusiastic and cheerful moods as the holidays approach.
Another set-up, if you will, is that about expectations. I remember seeing Christmas decorations first show up in some stores in September! Anytime there is such a long build-up to a celebrated event (like a wedding, the birth of a child, or a major holiday like Christmas), it's easy for expectations to build as the anticipated event looms closer. What's the phrase? "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments." The more we expect, the more likely we are going to be disappointed when reality can't possibly measure up to our fantasied ideal.
Part of the strategy for surviving the holidays is to watch your pace. Don't try to do everything. Simplify. Don't go to every party or send a holiday greeting card to everyone you know. Try to preserve an oasis or two in the middle of the holiday season. This could mean just one day out of every ten that is off limits to scheduling. Use the day to slow things down. Lower the stimulation. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Sit by the fire. Have a slower conversation with a friend or companion that isn't about the un-ending events of the day.
Be willing to scale things down a little when putting on a 'spread.' You don't always have to pull out the fine china (which has to be washed by hand), or use linen table cloths. A side dish or two works just as well as five of them. We tend to eat too much as it is.
I don't know how many times when I ask people to share their favorite memories of childhood, they treasure more the simpler interactions with loved ones. It's about sitting around a campfire, playing a board game with the family, going for a walk or a hike. Rarely do people refer to exotic trips or expensive gifts as their most treasure memories. So, no one's Christmas is going to be ruined if things are simplified a little bit in the gift 'department' as well.
If the holidays are getting the best of you (instead of your family getting the best of you), try talking with one of our mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicagoland area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Another set-up, if you will, is that about expectations. I remember seeing Christmas decorations first show up in some stores in September! Anytime there is such a long build-up to a celebrated event (like a wedding, the birth of a child, or a major holiday like Christmas), it's easy for expectations to build as the anticipated event looms closer. What's the phrase? "Expectations are pre-meditated resentments." The more we expect, the more likely we are going to be disappointed when reality can't possibly measure up to our fantasied ideal.
Part of the strategy for surviving the holidays is to watch your pace. Don't try to do everything. Simplify. Don't go to every party or send a holiday greeting card to everyone you know. Try to preserve an oasis or two in the middle of the holiday season. This could mean just one day out of every ten that is off limits to scheduling. Use the day to slow things down. Lower the stimulation. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Sit by the fire. Have a slower conversation with a friend or companion that isn't about the un-ending events of the day.
Be willing to scale things down a little when putting on a 'spread.' You don't always have to pull out the fine china (which has to be washed by hand), or use linen table cloths. A side dish or two works just as well as five of them. We tend to eat too much as it is.
I don't know how many times when I ask people to share their favorite memories of childhood, they treasure more the simpler interactions with loved ones. It's about sitting around a campfire, playing a board game with the family, going for a walk or a hike. Rarely do people refer to exotic trips or expensive gifts as their most treasure memories. So, no one's Christmas is going to be ruined if things are simplified a little bit in the gift 'department' as well.
If the holidays are getting the best of you (instead of your family getting the best of you), try talking with one of our mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicagoland area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Cultural Entitlement, Boomers, and the Inflation of Expectations
If you're a Baby Boomer like I am (born between 1946 and 1960), you've lived through some major cultural changes. Not that this is unique to our generation, but there are some cultural factors worth noting. Unlike the generations to follow, many (most?) of us boomers have attained education and incomes that have exceeded our parents. We have been raised with the twin messages of work hard, and the opportunity is there for the taking if you're willing to reach for it.
In one generation's time, we've gone from growing up in a home with one (maybe two) TVs, to an embarrassing number of TVs per home. And we've gone from one or two rotary dial phones (and one phone number) per household to a dizzying array of multi-line land line phones and cell phones per household. A new car by today's standards was a luxury car a generation ago. A simple camping trip as a summer vacation in the family station wagon has been replaced by much more elaborate travels to exotic destinations.
With all of these changes have come increased expectations about what makes for a good life. We have gone from striving for excellence to expecting it, even demanding it. To pull all of this off, we work longer, sleep less, and even non-work time is scheduled and structured. Kids have play dates, and participate in organized sports, often year round. Neighborhood pick up games of basketball or football are rare. Wandering time, the time to just think, imagine, engage in creative play, explore and discover things on one's own is even rarer.
There is no end to the inflated expectations of ourselves and now, our children. In her compelling book, The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine takes a sobering look into the emotional worlds of kids raised in affluent, upper middle class America. Substance abuse, emptiness, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity (and at younger and younger ages), depression and a lack of direction pervade the lives of the very kids that psychologists might have previously thought would have the best chances for success.
When I ask kids who have had every advantage what their fondest memories of childhood are, they don't talk about the exotic trips and the expensive vacation homes or latest techno-gadgets. Virtually every time, they talk about a time spent with the family roasting marshmellows over a campfire, or some other basic, simple interaction with their family. I have seen parents literally with their jaws hanging open in disbelief to hear this, after spending some enormous amount of money on a vacation with these same children.
What all of this comes down to is the importance of slowing the pace down. Schedule fewer things. Return to more simple and basic ways of interacting. Spend more time together. Time is now the scarce commodity in most families. Create and maintain more wandering time for yourself and your kids. Go on fewer expensive vacations, and roast more marshmellows over a campfire.
All of this is easier said that done. If you're in the Chicago area and are struggling to balance your life, see one of the therapists at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
In one generation's time, we've gone from growing up in a home with one (maybe two) TVs, to an embarrassing number of TVs per home. And we've gone from one or two rotary dial phones (and one phone number) per household to a dizzying array of multi-line land line phones and cell phones per household. A new car by today's standards was a luxury car a generation ago. A simple camping trip as a summer vacation in the family station wagon has been replaced by much more elaborate travels to exotic destinations.
With all of these changes have come increased expectations about what makes for a good life. We have gone from striving for excellence to expecting it, even demanding it. To pull all of this off, we work longer, sleep less, and even non-work time is scheduled and structured. Kids have play dates, and participate in organized sports, often year round. Neighborhood pick up games of basketball or football are rare. Wandering time, the time to just think, imagine, engage in creative play, explore and discover things on one's own is even rarer.
There is no end to the inflated expectations of ourselves and now, our children. In her compelling book, The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine takes a sobering look into the emotional worlds of kids raised in affluent, upper middle class America. Substance abuse, emptiness, anxiety, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity (and at younger and younger ages), depression and a lack of direction pervade the lives of the very kids that psychologists might have previously thought would have the best chances for success.
When I ask kids who have had every advantage what their fondest memories of childhood are, they don't talk about the exotic trips and the expensive vacation homes or latest techno-gadgets. Virtually every time, they talk about a time spent with the family roasting marshmellows over a campfire, or some other basic, simple interaction with their family. I have seen parents literally with their jaws hanging open in disbelief to hear this, after spending some enormous amount of money on a vacation with these same children.
What all of this comes down to is the importance of slowing the pace down. Schedule fewer things. Return to more simple and basic ways of interacting. Spend more time together. Time is now the scarce commodity in most families. Create and maintain more wandering time for yourself and your kids. Go on fewer expensive vacations, and roast more marshmellows over a campfire.
All of this is easier said that done. If you're in the Chicago area and are struggling to balance your life, see one of the therapists at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
When your kid goes off to college / moves out of the home
This is the time of year when many parents are sending their kids away to college for the first time. It's a bittersweet event. Of course it's what everyone expected for years, and in most respects it should be cause for celebration - a successful conclusion to childhood. And yet for many kids and parents alike, it's also a time for grieving, loss, mourning and anxiety.
Raising kids is a strange enterprise in this respect. If we do a good job raising our kids, they end up leaving us in the end. They go on to live their own lives apart from us. So, many parents whose lives have revolved around their children feel like they have not only lost their job, but they've lost most of what comprised their identity. It's a bitter pill even though this is the desired outcome.
Mark Schultz wrote a beautiful song entitled "Learn to Let Go". He eloquently described the rich and varied emotions that parents have toward their kids as they're leaving home. He recognized that everything we've done has been about helping our kids manage the challenges of life. We learned how to do this, but we didn't figure on how hard it would be to let go when their childhoods came to an end.
Managing this time of transition in the life of a family is best done when parents turn to their partners, friends, and their extended family for comfort rather than leaning on the child who has just left the 'nest.' While it's natural to phone, text, Facebook or email one another, this should be done sparingly on the part of the parent in order to encourage the child's adjustment outside of the home. Care packages are great, and occasional contact is really healthy. But, contact multiple times per day is not likely to be as helpful in assisting the child in his or her adjustment.
If you're tried everything that you can think of and are really struggling with this time of transition in your life, in the Chicago area, consider one of the mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Raising kids is a strange enterprise in this respect. If we do a good job raising our kids, they end up leaving us in the end. They go on to live their own lives apart from us. So, many parents whose lives have revolved around their children feel like they have not only lost their job, but they've lost most of what comprised their identity. It's a bitter pill even though this is the desired outcome.
Mark Schultz wrote a beautiful song entitled "Learn to Let Go". He eloquently described the rich and varied emotions that parents have toward their kids as they're leaving home. He recognized that everything we've done has been about helping our kids manage the challenges of life. We learned how to do this, but we didn't figure on how hard it would be to let go when their childhoods came to an end.
Managing this time of transition in the life of a family is best done when parents turn to their partners, friends, and their extended family for comfort rather than leaning on the child who has just left the 'nest.' While it's natural to phone, text, Facebook or email one another, this should be done sparingly on the part of the parent in order to encourage the child's adjustment outside of the home. Care packages are great, and occasional contact is really healthy. But, contact multiple times per day is not likely to be as helpful in assisting the child in his or her adjustment.
If you're tried everything that you can think of and are really struggling with this time of transition in your life, in the Chicago area, consider one of the mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Because one day you will run out of some days....
After some 35,000 hours of delivering psychotherapy services over the last 25 plus years, I've never heard anyone complain that they've got everything done and they don't know what to do now. Who among us ever gets caught up? I am reminded continuously of things that need to be done - disorganized closets, weeds to pull, countless projects around the home that need to be done, etc. etc. I could spend every waking hour, and all night too for that matter and never get everything done.
If we are waiting to get everything done before taking time to smell the roses, spend time with friends and family or simply decompress and get some 'down time' , then these things will never happen. There's a number of tragic stories out there of people who worked themselves to the bone, telling themselves that some day they'd get around to recreating and spending time with loved ones, but then dying before these things ever took place. There was an ad for flying lessons in a magazine with the caption "....because some day you will run out of some days....."
It is vitally important to take time out of every day for connection with others, decompression, recreating and being creative. We naturally do that which is a priority. If we don't do something on a given day, it simply means that we haven't made it enough of a priority. So, there's no time like the present to re-evaluate our priorities and take even a little bit of time each day for what is ultimately the most important!
If we are waiting to get everything done before taking time to smell the roses, spend time with friends and family or simply decompress and get some 'down time' , then these things will never happen. There's a number of tragic stories out there of people who worked themselves to the bone, telling themselves that some day they'd get around to recreating and spending time with loved ones, but then dying before these things ever took place. There was an ad for flying lessons in a magazine with the caption "....because some day you will run out of some days....."
It is vitally important to take time out of every day for connection with others, decompression, recreating and being creative. We naturally do that which is a priority. If we don't do something on a given day, it simply means that we haven't made it enough of a priority. So, there's no time like the present to re-evaluate our priorities and take even a little bit of time each day for what is ultimately the most important!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Normal Anger When Raising Young Children
Raising children, especially young children, can be exasperating. The constant demand for your time and attention, the natural self-centeredness of young children, and the difficulty of being able to get a break all contribute to natural and normal feelings of anger and resentment towards a young child. This is portrayed in a kind and humorous way in the delightful children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff. Meant to be read to a child, it is about a mouse's incessant demands. The child can laugh at the mouse's neediness and the parent can smile, knowing that this is not really about mice at all.
Think for a moment about our culture's most commonly sung and enduring lullaby. It's Rock a Bye Baby. What a beautiful, calm and pleasing melody. Now, think about the words. Let's see, we're going to put this little tiny package of 'joy' up into the top branches of a tree, and then sing this beautiful, calming melody about the child and cradle falling out of the tree and crashing to the ground, la,la,la,la, la....It is my speculation that the reason that this lullaby has persisted over time is that it provides an unconscious means for a parent to dissipate her / his negative feelings about the constant demands and needs of an infant. It's not acceptable to say to friends and family "I'm furious with my baby for his/her constant demands and needs" but it is acceptable to sing Rock a Bye Baby.
It's natural and normal to have these negative feelings. It doesn't make you a bad mom or dad. It's healthier to acknowledge the feelings and do all you can to get regular breaks from the constant demands. Of course this is not easy, but it is important nonetheless. For assistance in getting creative about how to do this, in the Chicago area, see one of our mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Think for a moment about our culture's most commonly sung and enduring lullaby. It's Rock a Bye Baby. What a beautiful, calm and pleasing melody. Now, think about the words. Let's see, we're going to put this little tiny package of 'joy' up into the top branches of a tree, and then sing this beautiful, calming melody about the child and cradle falling out of the tree and crashing to the ground, la,la,la,la, la....It is my speculation that the reason that this lullaby has persisted over time is that it provides an unconscious means for a parent to dissipate her / his negative feelings about the constant demands and needs of an infant. It's not acceptable to say to friends and family "I'm furious with my baby for his/her constant demands and needs" but it is acceptable to sing Rock a Bye Baby.
It's natural and normal to have these negative feelings. It doesn't make you a bad mom or dad. It's healthier to acknowledge the feelings and do all you can to get regular breaks from the constant demands. Of course this is not easy, but it is important nonetheless. For assistance in getting creative about how to do this, in the Chicago area, see one of our mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Monday, June 1, 2009
ADD, ADHD and Executive Functions
Attention Deficit Disorder has been called many things over the years. Now, it's all ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It comes in three forms, ADHD-inattentive, ADHD-hyperactive, and ADHD-combined (with both inattention and hyperactivity). To make it more complicated, ADHD inattentive is much more than problems with attention and concentration. It really involves one or more problems with the executive functions (attention, concentration, organization, working memory [which is the human equivalent of RAM memory on a computer], sustained effort, the ability to get started on important but less interesting tasks, and the ability to monitor one's work output for careless mistakes).
Executive function problems can be caused by a number of things such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, learning / processing deficits, motivational problems and even some psychotic disorders. This is why a good, comprehensive evaluation is so important. In the Chicago area, consider seeing one of our providers well versed in the assessment of executive function problems. We're at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health care provider.
Executive function problems can be caused by a number of things such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, learning / processing deficits, motivational problems and even some psychotic disorders. This is why a good, comprehensive evaluation is so important. In the Chicago area, consider seeing one of our providers well versed in the assessment of executive function problems. We're at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health care provider.
Exercise as Brain Food
John Ratey, co-author of the very popular books on ADHD, Driven to Distraction, and Delivered From Distraction, has come out with a fascinating new work, Spark. This book looks at the role of regular exercise on the brain. Referring to it as Miraclegrow for the brain, exercise seems to be at least as beneficial to the brain as it is to the cardiovascular system. If you can exercise 4 times per week, for 40 minutes each, at 65% of maximum heart rate (your maximum heart rate is 220 - your age), you can do wonders for your brain. For most, this involves a brisk walk to attain the heart rate target.
Some preliminary studies suggest that this physical exercise regimen can be as beneficial as antidepressant medication for people who are depressed, and may also help reduce ADHD symptoms in people with that diagnosis. Of course, you should consult with your physician first before embarking on an exercise program such as this, to make sure that there are no medical contra-indications for you to do this. And, if you have been advised to take medication for depression and / or ADHD, don't stop the meds because you're going to be exercising. Always work in conjunction with your prescribing physician. But, at least now there is another potent avenue to pursue that's got many positive benefits and doesn't involve more medication.
Some preliminary studies suggest that this physical exercise regimen can be as beneficial as antidepressant medication for people who are depressed, and may also help reduce ADHD symptoms in people with that diagnosis. Of course, you should consult with your physician first before embarking on an exercise program such as this, to make sure that there are no medical contra-indications for you to do this. And, if you have been advised to take medication for depression and / or ADHD, don't stop the meds because you're going to be exercising. Always work in conjunction with your prescribing physician. But, at least now there is another potent avenue to pursue that's got many positive benefits and doesn't involve more medication.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Are You Right Sized?
Are you right sized? I'm not talking about body proportions or serving size at a restaurant. I'm talking about being the right size psychologically. Being right sized means that you assume an appropriate degree of presence for a given situation. If you're one of several people in an audience, then you should assume a 'size' (or presence) equivalent to everyone else around you. Or, when in a group, assume an equivalent presence to everyone else. We all know what it's like to have one member of a group dominate everyone else. They talk more, listen less, and command a disproportionate amount of the group's time and attention. Such people love to 'hold court' when around others. These folks are 'over sized' psychologically for the situation. It's off-putting.
Others are under-sized psychologically in a given situation. They speak less, assert themselves less, and come across as anything from un-assuming to 'mousey' in a given situation. They have a hard time giving 'voice' to their opinions, and they let others do the talking. They're harder to get to know, and it's uncomfortable in a different kind of way to be around them.
Being right sized is a measure of good self-esteem. Being wrong-sized (too big or too small psychologically) is actually a reflection of low self esteem. The over-sized person feels too small internally, and reacts (consciously or not) by trying to 'puff' themselves up when around others. They're working too hard to impress others as a compensation for an internal sense of low self worth. The under-sized person is essentially saying that they don't matter as much as others do.
Ideally, we change size psychologically based upon the situation. When we are leading a group or giving a talk, then we assume a larger size psychologically. When we're one of several people in a group, we shrink back down to a size emotionally equivalent to others around us. Sometimes, when we're trying to encourage others to try something new or unfamiliar, we may shrink ourselves psychologically in an effort to let them step forward and shine.
Being over sized is similar to the psychological concept of pathological narcissism. Being under-sized is sometimes a symptom of depression, anxiety, or general shyness. Being open to feedback from other who observe you socially is the best way to know if you're 'right-sized.' If you can't seem to find your right size for a given social situation and you live in the Chicago area, consider seeing a mental health professional at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.
Others are under-sized psychologically in a given situation. They speak less, assert themselves less, and come across as anything from un-assuming to 'mousey' in a given situation. They have a hard time giving 'voice' to their opinions, and they let others do the talking. They're harder to get to know, and it's uncomfortable in a different kind of way to be around them.
Being right sized is a measure of good self-esteem. Being wrong-sized (too big or too small psychologically) is actually a reflection of low self esteem. The over-sized person feels too small internally, and reacts (consciously or not) by trying to 'puff' themselves up when around others. They're working too hard to impress others as a compensation for an internal sense of low self worth. The under-sized person is essentially saying that they don't matter as much as others do.
Ideally, we change size psychologically based upon the situation. When we are leading a group or giving a talk, then we assume a larger size psychologically. When we're one of several people in a group, we shrink back down to a size emotionally equivalent to others around us. Sometimes, when we're trying to encourage others to try something new or unfamiliar, we may shrink ourselves psychologically in an effort to let them step forward and shine.
Being over sized is similar to the psychological concept of pathological narcissism. Being under-sized is sometimes a symptom of depression, anxiety, or general shyness. Being open to feedback from other who observe you socially is the best way to know if you're 'right-sized.' If you can't seem to find your right size for a given social situation and you live in the Chicago area, consider seeing a mental health professional at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Teens and Self Esteem
A teen's self esteem is created and maintained following the acronym C-U-B-E. Kids need to feel Competent. This means that they can set meaningful goals for themselves and work in some sustained way to meet these goals. Such goals can be very broadly defined such as school grades, physical prowess, playing an instrument, artistic talent, creating and sustaining high quality relationships, giving to the community, developing their spirituality, or becoming a better sibling / son or daughter.
Kids also need to feel a sense of Uniqueness. They need to feel like there is something special that defines them. They may symbolize this with a slightly different style of dress, hair, music that they listen to, or other area of interest that is a little different than the masses.
They also need to feel a sense of Belonging. This is so important to kids, that some will choose affiliation with less desirable groups (gangs, other kids you may not approve of) in order to feel a sense of belonging with others, particularly peers. Being socially isolated is a major cause of teen depression.
Kids also need Encouragement. They are particularly influenced by the encouragement of parents, teachers, and other adult role models. This means spending enough time with the teen to find out what's important to him or her.
If you sense that your teen suffers from low self esteem and you've tried everything you can to help him or her, in the Chicago area, consider seeing one of the mental providers of Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.
Kids also need to feel a sense of Uniqueness. They need to feel like there is something special that defines them. They may symbolize this with a slightly different style of dress, hair, music that they listen to, or other area of interest that is a little different than the masses.
They also need to feel a sense of Belonging. This is so important to kids, that some will choose affiliation with less desirable groups (gangs, other kids you may not approve of) in order to feel a sense of belonging with others, particularly peers. Being socially isolated is a major cause of teen depression.
Kids also need Encouragement. They are particularly influenced by the encouragement of parents, teachers, and other adult role models. This means spending enough time with the teen to find out what's important to him or her.
If you sense that your teen suffers from low self esteem and you've tried everything you can to help him or her, in the Chicago area, consider seeing one of the mental providers of Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
A Different Way of Treating Panic Attacks
It doesn't happen frequently, but it’s happened to me way more than once. I’m spending the night in an unfamiliar place – a hotel or a relative’s home. I have to get up in the night and I stub my toe on a piece of furniture. It is very painful for the first minute or so, a little less painful the next minute, is still a minor annoyance for a few minutes beyond that, and then the discomfort passes altogether. Has this ever happened to you? And although it doesn’t happen that often, I do know that it’s probably going to happen again sometime in the future.
This is a pretty common experience in being human. But who among us avoids travel, going to hotels, or refuses to visit relatives because we might possibly stub our toes? Who gets worked up for weeks ahead of time, worried sick about stubbing our toes? We don’t. And the reason is entirely contained in how we interpret the experience. We know that it is temporary, not life threatening, and we have the utmost confidence that the pain and discomfort will pass soon and the day will proceed normally.
To those who have suffered a panic attack, it is positively frightening. Many assume that they’re having a heart attack and they worry that they’re going to die. Even after being checked out medically and reassured that their cardio-vascular system is fine, they still live in absolute fear of the next episode. They construe the experience as mortifiying, terrifying, potentially life threatening, and to be avoided at all costs. So, left untreated, people with panic disorder avoid more and more things which they believe could lead to a panic attack. In fact, the natural course of panic disorder, left untreated, is agoraphobia. That is, a person is afraid to even leave their home, worrying that to do so could cause a panic attack.
In the past, a primary treatment approach for panic disorder included relaxation training, with the hopes of getting someone to relax to the point that they would not have a panic attack at all. And, this is still a useful technique. However, more recently, it has been all about encouraging people to re-construe the experience of panic altogether. If we could think of a moment of panic as basically no different than stubbing one's toe, then it is less likely that the sufferer of panic disorder will live in dread for weeks before a given flight, a trip away from home, or any other scenario that in the past simply wore the person out in anticipation. A mantra to use over and over when approaching a dreaded situation is "it is discomfort, not danger."
There are experience logs which can be used to help people convert their panic episodes into toe-stubbing ones. Learning how to re-construe a panic experience from danger to mere discomfort is key on the road to recovery from this condition. For more assistance with panic disorder in the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Girls and assertiveness
In our culture, it's hard for girls to develop a healthy measure of assertiveness. Girls who can stand their ground, engage in the healthiest of confrontations, clearly state their needs, and who can push back when being pushed around are often given labels from "tomboy" to the "B*#ch" label. This is no different than a boy who is more sensitive, less aggressive and more tender being called negative things from a mama's boy, cry baby to far worse names.
Girls should be encouraged by both parents to trust their instincts, and to feel positively about their ability to assert themselves with others. They should know that there's nothing wrong with being strong mentally and physically. There's a wonderful gymnastics poster of a girl upside down doing a move over the balance beam. It says something like "grit, strength and determination....that's what little girls are made of." Every girl should have a poster with some kind of message like that hanging up in her room. Girls need to hear from both parents, perhaps more so from their dads, that being feminine can include strength, grit and assertiveness. There is nothing unfeminine about any of these traits. Girls should know that their dads find this attractive in females. Their girls will grow up with more confidence and won't feel like they need to downplay this part of themselves in order to be acceptable to the boys / men in their lives.
Girls should be encouraged by both parents to trust their instincts, and to feel positively about their ability to assert themselves with others. They should know that there's nothing wrong with being strong mentally and physically. There's a wonderful gymnastics poster of a girl upside down doing a move over the balance beam. It says something like "grit, strength and determination....that's what little girls are made of." Every girl should have a poster with some kind of message like that hanging up in her room. Girls need to hear from both parents, perhaps more so from their dads, that being feminine can include strength, grit and assertiveness. There is nothing unfeminine about any of these traits. Girls should know that their dads find this attractive in females. Their girls will grow up with more confidence and won't feel like they need to downplay this part of themselves in order to be acceptable to the boys / men in their lives.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Letting go of resentment
Let's start with two adages about resentment:
1. Resentment is like you drink a cup of poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.
2. If you want to bury someone with your resentment, dig two graves.
Resentment is the tendency to harbor negative feelings towards someone else for the perceived wrongs which they did to you. It's easy to get consumed with this mixture of anger, frustration, and desire to get even. But, resentment is like a pollutant that contaminates your nearly every waking moment. It's a holding onto a grudge, waiting for the apology which may never arrive. The person whom you perceive to have wronged you may have no idea that you're carrying around such feelings, and certainly doesn't realize how consumed you have become.
Resentment is not about forgiving another person. It is much more about releasing yourself from a host of negative emotions which are ruining your life. It's about not letting yourself organize your emotional life around someone else whom you have perceived to have wronged you. So, stop waiting for the apology. It may or may not ever come. But make the conscious choice to stop focusing on the negative and free yourself up to experience the positive, abundant aspects of life which are yours for the taking.
If you've tried, but cannot seem to get there from here, in the Chicago area consider seeing us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
1. Resentment is like you drink a cup of poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.
2. If you want to bury someone with your resentment, dig two graves.
Resentment is the tendency to harbor negative feelings towards someone else for the perceived wrongs which they did to you. It's easy to get consumed with this mixture of anger, frustration, and desire to get even. But, resentment is like a pollutant that contaminates your nearly every waking moment. It's a holding onto a grudge, waiting for the apology which may never arrive. The person whom you perceive to have wronged you may have no idea that you're carrying around such feelings, and certainly doesn't realize how consumed you have become.
Resentment is not about forgiving another person. It is much more about releasing yourself from a host of negative emotions which are ruining your life. It's about not letting yourself organize your emotional life around someone else whom you have perceived to have wronged you. So, stop waiting for the apology. It may or may not ever come. But make the conscious choice to stop focusing on the negative and free yourself up to experience the positive, abundant aspects of life which are yours for the taking.
If you've tried, but cannot seem to get there from here, in the Chicago area consider seeing us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
A different slant on the law of attraction
We are generally attracted to others based upon how we feel about ourselves when we're around them. Or said another way, people will be attracted to us when they feel good about themselves when they're around us. So, it's helpful to ask ourselves the question "how does (name of person) feel about herself when she's around me?" And, if in doubt, you can always ask the person in question. They'll generally be glad that you're asking. Just be prepared when you ask an honest and bold question, you may get an honest and bold answer!
Many times when you sense that someone you like is drifting away, they're not feeling good about themselves when they're around you. Common to such drifting away are complaints of feeling inferior, feeling judged, or feeling generally on edge. Sometimes its boredom, or feeling anxious, especially if you're more prone to anger.
There are some useful personality tests that can help you spot your blind spots if things aren't working out in your relationships and you don't know why. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Many times when you sense that someone you like is drifting away, they're not feeling good about themselves when they're around you. Common to such drifting away are complaints of feeling inferior, feeling judged, or feeling generally on edge. Sometimes its boredom, or feeling anxious, especially if you're more prone to anger.
There are some useful personality tests that can help you spot your blind spots if things aren't working out in your relationships and you don't know why. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
How to Stop a Bully / Bullying
A bully belittles those whom he/she perceives to be weaker (emotionally and / or physically). Often this is done in front of an audience of peers. The bully is hoping to improve his / her social standing through intimidation. When bystanders laugh or even remain silent, it encourages the bully to persist in the behavior. The victims are left humiliated and angry.
One of the most powerful ways to stop a bully is to coach the bystanders. When they stand up and confront the bully, saying things such as "you are definitely not cool" or "maybe you'll stop this sort of thing when you become mature" the bully learns that he/she is actually losing social standing through their behaviors. This is the opposite of what they're looking for. When they learn consistently that they lose ground socially when they bully, the behavior will stop.
A newer version of bullying, cyber-bullying is when something intimidating and belittling is sent to the victim, and the bystanders are copied in the e-correspondence. The same method of stopping the bullying applies. The bystanders need to let the bully know that they do not approve of the behavior.
Approaching the authorities (parents, teachers, etc.) has its place too, but nothing is more powerful than the bystanders becoming unified and letting the bully know that they are losing social standing from the behavior.
One of the most powerful ways to stop a bully is to coach the bystanders. When they stand up and confront the bully, saying things such as "you are definitely not cool" or "maybe you'll stop this sort of thing when you become mature" the bully learns that he/she is actually losing social standing through their behaviors. This is the opposite of what they're looking for. When they learn consistently that they lose ground socially when they bully, the behavior will stop.
A newer version of bullying, cyber-bullying is when something intimidating and belittling is sent to the victim, and the bystanders are copied in the e-correspondence. The same method of stopping the bullying applies. The bystanders need to let the bully know that they do not approve of the behavior.
Approaching the authorities (parents, teachers, etc.) has its place too, but nothing is more powerful than the bystanders becoming unified and letting the bully know that they are losing social standing from the behavior.
Kids and Homework
One of the biggest points of contention between parents and their kids, when it comes to school, is that of doing homework. Kids complain that homework is boring. They don't see the point - they already know the material. Or they lie - "I don't have any homework." "I did it already." "I'll have time to do it in the morning." Getting at the truth of it can be challenging. Even with on-line access to kids' progress in school, many parents still are surprised when report cards arrive. The single biggest reason for bad grades in school is poor homework completion.
The most important reason to do homework varies according to the child. Most children need to do homework to reinforce what was learned in school. This is particularly true in subjects where repetition is key to learning and retention of material (such as math and spelling). Most kids will learn the lesson naturally (and with reinforcement from parents), that there is a direct relationship between performance on tests and whether or not they have studied / done their homework along the way.
But, there are some kids who really don't need the repetition in order to master the material. They get As on tests even without studying or doing their homework. But, if they don't do their homework, a really smart student can get Cs or worse. The best explanation to give these kids about the value of doing their homework is to prepare them for later in life. All careers of any kind will have elements to them that are flat out boring or tedious. In order to do well in a career, one needs to develop the skills in childhood to be self-disciplined, to endure that which is boring, but important, and to forge ahead and get things done thoroughly and responsibly. If one doesn't develop these life skills when younger, it will be very tough when older to do this. And then, someone will have to settle for a career that they can do rather than getting to choose a career that's more challenging and gratifying.
If you've tried everything that you know how and you can't get your child on track, in the Chicago area, look for us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
The most important reason to do homework varies according to the child. Most children need to do homework to reinforce what was learned in school. This is particularly true in subjects where repetition is key to learning and retention of material (such as math and spelling). Most kids will learn the lesson naturally (and with reinforcement from parents), that there is a direct relationship between performance on tests and whether or not they have studied / done their homework along the way.
But, there are some kids who really don't need the repetition in order to master the material. They get As on tests even without studying or doing their homework. But, if they don't do their homework, a really smart student can get Cs or worse. The best explanation to give these kids about the value of doing their homework is to prepare them for later in life. All careers of any kind will have elements to them that are flat out boring or tedious. In order to do well in a career, one needs to develop the skills in childhood to be self-disciplined, to endure that which is boring, but important, and to forge ahead and get things done thoroughly and responsibly. If one doesn't develop these life skills when younger, it will be very tough when older to do this. And then, someone will have to settle for a career that they can do rather than getting to choose a career that's more challenging and gratifying.
If you've tried everything that you know how and you can't get your child on track, in the Chicago area, look for us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Our natural set point or baseline of happiness
There's a fascinating website (http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/archive.php?tag=epitap) in which people are encouraged to write their memoirs in just six words. The first published volume of these has the title "Not Quite What I Was Planning." Doesn't that sum up life? There are very few of us who manage to get through life without some major, unwanted 'bend in the road' of life.
But, research has shown that we all have a certain 'set point' of happiness. It seems to be a blend of temperament, basic constitution, genetic factors, and to a lesser degree, our experiences growing up. It's uncanny how we tend to return to this set point no matter the circumstances which life throws at us. An amazing study was done years ago that compared lottery winners to accident victims who became either paraplegic or quadriplegic. Immediately after the critical incident, of course there was a substantial difference in happiness. But within two years, these people returned to their original set points of happiness. Winning the lottery or becoming paralyzed really didn't affect this set point. So, if you're blessed with a naturally positive disposition and life really throws a curve ball at you, just bide your time. You'll find your way back to happiness.
The more challenging issue is what to do if your set point of happiness is low to begin with. That's when it's important to look for professional assistance to do all that you can to do increase your baseline of happiness. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
But, research has shown that we all have a certain 'set point' of happiness. It seems to be a blend of temperament, basic constitution, genetic factors, and to a lesser degree, our experiences growing up. It's uncanny how we tend to return to this set point no matter the circumstances which life throws at us. An amazing study was done years ago that compared lottery winners to accident victims who became either paraplegic or quadriplegic. Immediately after the critical incident, of course there was a substantial difference in happiness. But within two years, these people returned to their original set points of happiness. Winning the lottery or becoming paralyzed really didn't affect this set point. So, if you're blessed with a naturally positive disposition and life really throws a curve ball at you, just bide your time. You'll find your way back to happiness.
The more challenging issue is what to do if your set point of happiness is low to begin with. That's when it's important to look for professional assistance to do all that you can to do increase your baseline of happiness. In the Chicago area, see us at www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
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