The double bind of parenting

A few years ago, I happened to have two, new individual psychotherapy patients scheduled back-to-back. They were both 20-something year old adults. After telling me her reasons for wanting to come in for therapy, I asked the first patient to tell me a little about her background. She said something to the effect of "you know what I really resented about my parents? They forced me to play the piano. I wished that they would have listened to me and let me quit when I wanted to. They made me practice and go to lessons when I didn't want to." Then, the second person came in. When it came time for him to tell me about his background, he said, "you know what I resent about my parents? They let me quit playing the piano. I wished that they would have pushed me to keep playing. I would then be able to enjoy playing piano to this day." So....welcome to parenting. All that we can do is use our best judgment to respond to our children's needs. When you're not sure about how to figure out some of the bigger quandaries that children can pose, think about getting a professional consultation. In the Chicago area, come see us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com.

Why is ADHD diagnosed so often these days?

I am often asked why it seems as though ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is diagnosed more often now than it was in the past. First, a couple of points of clarification. The condition used to be called ADD and ADD-H. Now, the terminology has changed. It's all ADHD, but there are three subtypes: ADHD-inattentive, ADHD-hyperactive, and ADHD- combined type (with both inattention and hyperactivity). I know it's a bit confusing, but it's the current terminology. A second point is that ADHD encompasses much more than just problems with attention and concentration. It also includes the ability to get started on important, but tedious tasks, organization, sustained, disciplined effort, and the ability to monitor one's work for careless mistakes and legibility. Finally, an important symptom of ADHD can be a problem with working memory. Working memory is the human equivalent of RAM memory on a computer. When working memory is impaired in people, it's like a computer than doesn't have enough RAM. Certain programs run very slowly and inefficiently, if at all.

In the past, it was believed that all children outgrew this condition by their mid-adolescence (15 or 16 years old). We now know that many children with ADHD (perhaps as much as 50%) continue to have the condition on into adulthood. The fact that older teens and adults are being diagnosed for the first time explains in part the increased incidence of ADHD.

Another reason that ADHD is more prevalent today is that more is expected of students at earlier ages. Witness the changes in standardized IQ tests. People are getting smarter. Students are learning more at earlier ages than was true a generation ago. With all of this increase in intelligence, kids are expected to learn more, sooner, and at a faster rate. Most of us parents can say without question that our kids are expected to learn more material, of greater difficulty, and at an earlier age than we did as kids. There are many kids who are diagnosed today with ADHD who would not have been diagnosed with this condition a generation ago when less was expected of the average student. I have also seen people who were functionally perfectly well in other countries (particularly third world countries) who come to the U.S. and all of a sudden, they have ADHD. So, some of this is cultural. We are a very fast-paced, over-scheduled society that crams too much into an average day than is probably good for us. As this has occurred more and more with each generation, there's a greater instance of people just not able to keep up with the pace. They end up having ADHD when compared to their faster paced peers who can still keep all of the proverbial plates spinning at once.

For a good, comprehensive ADHD assessment in the Chicago area, please see us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com. We also offer a wonderful training program to help improve working memory. We can train anyone on this program, regardless of location.

A teen's right to privacy versus parents' need to know

Frequently I am asked by parents of teens how whey should balance their teen's right to privacy versus a parent's right to know what their teen is up to. Many parents have expressed alarm about the content of emails, text messages, and Instant Messanging that their teens are exchanging with their friends. Even 'good girls' use extremely vulgar and sexually graphic language with their friends. 'Good boys' can easily get hooked on internet pornography. Parents sigh about the decay in values. Anything from sexually suggestive to pornographic images of their teens are getting posted on Facebook. Parents wonder if it's okay to 'spy' on their teens by using available technology to track what their teens are up to. My response follows along a couple of principles.

What is your motive in wanting to know? If it's idle curiosity, trouble letting go, or you've always snooped - it's just a character trait - then these are not good reasons to monitor your teens' activities.

But, if you have become privvy to some troublesome behaviors in your teens, then first and foremost, talk to them about it. Try to stick to language that involves your concern for them rather than your judgment of them. If you suspect that the behaviors are persisting, and your child is lying about it, then I say do the greatest good and the least harm. By this I mean - consider which is the worst case scenario: a) you invade your child's privacy, they find out and they mistrust you in turn; b) you remain in the dark about your child's worrisome behaviors and something really bad happens (your daughter ends up with her nude pics on the internet; your son is up for three hours every night looking at internet porn). If you want to avoid the latter, then I say it's morally justifiable to monitor your teen's activities. Then, when you become aware of something worrisome, talk to them about it again. If they lie about it, then you may want to tell them that out of your concern, you have been monitoring their activities. At that point, counseling is the likely way to go.

Many teens get very upset when they learn that their parents have been monitoring their behaviors. I find it helpful to say something to teens like this. "You know how you can have a friend tell you 'I'm feeling suicidal but don't tell anyone. Or, I'm doing LSD but don't tell anyone.' So, you know what it's like to be in a terrible dilemma. You don't want to betray your friend by telling their parents, but you don't want something terrible to happen to them either. All you can do is strive to do the greatest good. It's the same thing with your parents wrestling with your right to privacy and their right to know what you're up to."

For further assistance in negotiating these challenging situations in the Chicago area, come see us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/ or go to someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

Kids and behavioral problems

Over the years, I have seen countless children and teens presenting with a wide array of emotional and behavioral problems. In general (and of course, there are exceptions), by and large, it is not unusual for a child's presenting symptoms to be reflected in one or both parents! A child with a temper problem frequently has at least one parent with the same issue. A child who acts disrespectfully toward others is often exposed to one or both parents who can behave in the same way. The child who is socially anxious or avoidant, often has a parent who either is this way currently, or experienced many of the same symptoms as a child. This all points to the importance of parents doing their own candid inventory of their own behaviors in conjunction with getting help for their children. On many occasion, I've told parents that it will be really difficult, if not impossible, to expect their child to get better control over his temper when one or both parents routinely lose control of their own temper. It's not unusual for parents to end up getting their own counseling for their issues as one component of their child getting help as well. For futher assistance in the Chicago area, consider us at http://www.heritageprofessional.com. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you respect for the name of a competent, reputable mental health care provider.

After the Divorce

Many parents get divorced believing that things will get better in their lives. They will be happier, and therefore, their children will be happier. The data generally suggest that divorce is not good for kids. But, if a divorce has already occurred or appears inevitable, there are some guidelines to follow that reduce the harm to kids. A very good book on managing life after the divorce is Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolini Ricci.

Here is a list of 'Dos' and 'Don'ts':

Do:
1. Set an agenda for any parenting discussion with your former spouse, share it with him or
her ahead of time and stick to it
2. Think of goals you will set for yourself to become a better parent
3. Use a business-like level of decorum when having discussions with the other parent
4. Support and encourage the other parent when you see something that they’re doing right
5. Encourage each child’s relationship with the other parent
6. Treat the other parent in the same manner that you wish to be treated
Don’t:
7. Use name calling, profanity or any other form of disrespectful language
8. Interrupt
9. Play the role of victim
10. Ask your child to report about the behavior or actions of the other parent
11. Talk to your child about perceived problems, weaknesses or negatives traits in the other
parent

I have found it helpful for any parent who feels alienated and shut out of their children's lives to keep journals to each child. Write about your concerns for your child, as well as your hopes and ambitions for him or her. Share your own feelings of anguish, of hurt or loneliness. Share your feelings about wanting to be more involved in your child's life. But DON'T write about your former spouse's flaws, mistakes or other negative behaviors. DO write about things your child has done that have made your proud. There may be a time in the future when your child approaches you and asks about what happened around the time of the divorce. Being able to present a journal that you kept just for him or her over the years will impress upon them how much they mattered to you throughout all of those difficult years.

I have worked with many families off and on over the course of many years during and after a divorce. The better parent-child relationship years later is the one in which the parent didn't talk negatively about the other parent. They didn't try to gain advantage by sharing the 'dirt' on the other parent with the children. They didn't play the role of victim. Instead, they faithfully looked after the child's needs and continued with their own personal growth and development. See my prior blog on coping with difficult people for more advice on how to do this.

For coaching on managing divorce in the Chicago area, see us as at http://www.heritageprofessional.com/. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for names of reputable mental health care providers in your area.