Forgiveness is an often misunderstood concept. Most of us think of it as something we do for another person. We let them off the hook. We think that it should only happen after the other person recognizes their wrong-doing, apologizes, and then we forgive. We think that forgiveness is predicated on fairness, and should only be used when the other person makes the first (right) move.
But, forgiveness is really more for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. When we forgive, we're released from our resentment. Forgiveness can occur even when the other person has no idea that they've hurt you (as in "forgive them Father for they know not what they do"). It is about choosing to no longer focus on the injustice. There are some pretty good quotes and sayings about forgiveness floating around in various literature and on the internet. These are not my original ones:
1. If you want to bury someone with your resentments, dig two graves.
2. I can be happy, or I can be right.
3. Resentment is you drinking the poison hoping that it will hurt the other person.
4. Don't choose forgiveness because the other person deserves it; choose forgiveness because you deserve peace.
I also think of the various things I have done to hurt others. There are the things that I am aware of, and then there are the things I've done to others that I don't realize. A great book on the spiritual aspect of forgiveness is Tim Keller's book, The Prodigal God. It's a compelling look at how self-righteousness can be a more problematic form of wrong-doing than the more obvious kinds of misdeeds.
I challenge myself with the notion: "getting better at love is more important than being right." Forgiveness brings us closer to others, softens us, tenderizes us, and in the end brings us peace in a way that not even the best of confrontations can accomplish.
If you're trying to forgive but are stuck in your resentments, talk to a trusted member of the clergy. Or seek out a trusted mental health professional. In the Chicago area, consider someone at Heritage Professional Associates.
