When your kid goes off to college / moves out of the home

This is the time of year when many parents are sending their kids away to college for the first time. It's a bittersweet event. Of course it's what everyone expected for years, and in most respects it should be cause for celebration - a successful conclusion to childhood. And yet for many kids and parents alike, it's also a time for grieving, loss, mourning and anxiety.

Raising kids is a strange enterprise in this respect. If we do a good job raising our kids, they end up leaving us in the end. They go on to live their own lives apart from us. So, many parents whose lives have revolved around their children feel like they have not only lost their job, but they've lost most of what comprised their identity. It's a bitter pill even though this is the desired outcome.

Mark Schultz wrote a beautiful song entitled "Learn to Let Go". He eloquently described the rich and varied emotions that parents have toward their kids as they're leaving home. He recognized that everything we've done has been about helping our kids manage the challenges of life. We learned how to do this, but we didn't figure on how hard it would be to let go when their childhoods came to an end.

Managing this time of transition in the life of a family is best done when parents turn to their partners, friends, and their extended family for comfort rather than leaning on the child who has just left the 'nest.' While it's natural to phone, text, Facebook or email one another, this should be done sparingly on the part of the parent in order to encourage the child's adjustment outside of the home. Care packages are great, and occasional contact is really healthy. But, contact multiple times per day is not likely to be as helpful in assisting the child in his or her adjustment.

If you're tried everything that you can think of and are really struggling with this time of transition in your life, in the Chicago area, consider one of the mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

Because one day you will run out of some days....

After some 35,000 hours of delivering psychotherapy services over the last 25 plus years, I've never heard anyone complain that they've got everything done and they don't know what to do now. Who among us ever gets caught up? I am reminded continuously of things that need to be done - disorganized closets, weeds to pull, countless projects around the home that need to be done, etc. etc. I could spend every waking hour, and all night too for that matter and never get everything done.

If we are waiting to get everything done before taking time to smell the roses, spend time with friends and family or simply decompress and get some 'down time' , then these things will never happen. There's a number of tragic stories out there of people who worked themselves to the bone, telling themselves that some day they'd get around to recreating and spending time with loved ones, but then dying before these things ever took place. There was an ad for flying lessons in a magazine with the caption "....because some day you will run out of some days....."

It is vitally important to take time out of every day for connection with others, decompression, recreating and being creative. We naturally do that which is a priority. If we don't do something on a given day, it simply means that we haven't made it enough of a priority. So, there's no time like the present to re-evaluate our priorities and take even a little bit of time each day for what is ultimately the most important!

Normal Anger When Raising Young Children

Raising children, especially young children, can be exasperating. The constant demand for your time and attention, the natural self-centeredness of young children, and the difficulty of being able to get a break all contribute to natural and normal feelings of anger and resentment towards a young child. This is portrayed in a kind and humorous way in the delightful children's book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff. Meant to be read to a child, it is about a mouse's incessant demands. The child can laugh at the mouse's neediness and the parent can smile, knowing that this is not really about mice at all.

Think for a moment about our culture's most commonly sung and enduring lullaby. It's Rock a Bye Baby. What a beautiful, calm and pleasing melody. Now, think about the words. Let's see, we're going to put this little tiny package of 'joy' up into the top branches of a tree, and then sing this beautiful, calming melody about the child and cradle falling out of the tree and crashing to the ground, la,la,la,la, la....It is my speculation that the reason that this lullaby has persisted over time is that it provides an unconscious means for a parent to dissipate her / his negative feelings about the constant demands and needs of an infant. It's not acceptable to say to friends and family "I'm furious with my baby for his/her constant demands and needs" but it is acceptable to sing Rock a Bye Baby.

It's natural and normal to have these negative feelings. It doesn't make you a bad mom or dad. It's healthier to acknowledge the feelings and do all you can to get regular breaks from the constant demands. Of course this is not easy, but it is important nonetheless. For assistance in getting creative about how to do this, in the Chicago area, see one of our mental health professionals at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.

ADD, ADHD and Executive Functions

Attention Deficit Disorder has been called many things over the years. Now, it's all ADHD, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. It comes in three forms, ADHD-inattentive, ADHD-hyperactive, and ADHD-combined (with both inattention and hyperactivity). To make it more complicated, ADHD inattentive is much more than problems with attention and concentration. It really involves one or more problems with the executive functions (attention, concentration, organization, working memory [which is the human equivalent of RAM memory on a computer], sustained effort, the ability to get started on important but less interesting tasks, and the ability to monitor one's work output for careless mistakes).

Executive function problems can be caused by a number of things such as ADHD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, learning / processing deficits, motivational problems and even some psychotic disorders. This is why a good, comprehensive evaluation is so important. In the Chicago area, consider seeing one of our providers well versed in the assessment of executive function problems. We're at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health care provider.

Exercise as Brain Food

John Ratey, co-author of the very popular books on ADHD, Driven to Distraction, and Delivered From Distraction, has come out with a fascinating new work, Spark. This book looks at the role of regular exercise on the brain. Referring to it as Miraclegrow for the brain, exercise seems to be at least as beneficial to the brain as it is to the cardiovascular system. If you can exercise 4 times per week, for 40 minutes each, at 65% of maximum heart rate (your maximum heart rate is 220 - your age), you can do wonders for your brain. For most, this involves a brisk walk to attain the heart rate target.

Some preliminary studies suggest that this physical exercise regimen can be as beneficial as antidepressant medication for people who are depressed, and may also help reduce ADHD symptoms in people with that diagnosis. Of course, you should consult with your physician first before embarking on an exercise program such as this, to make sure that there are no medical contra-indications for you to do this. And, if you have been advised to take medication for depression and / or ADHD, don't stop the meds because you're going to be exercising. Always work in conjunction with your prescribing physician. But, at least now there is another potent avenue to pursue that's got many positive benefits and doesn't involve more medication.

Are You Right Sized?

Are you right sized? I'm not talking about body proportions or serving size at a restaurant. I'm talking about being the right size psychologically. Being right sized means that you assume an appropriate degree of presence for a given situation. If you're one of several people in an audience, then you should assume a 'size' (or presence) equivalent to everyone else around you. Or, when in a group, assume an equivalent presence to everyone else. We all know what it's like to have one member of a group dominate everyone else. They talk more, listen less, and command a disproportionate amount of the group's time and attention. Such people love to 'hold court' when around others. These folks are 'over sized' psychologically for the situation. It's off-putting.

Others are under-sized psychologically in a given situation. They speak less, assert themselves less, and come across as anything from un-assuming to 'mousey' in a given situation. They have a hard time giving 'voice' to their opinions, and they let others do the talking. They're harder to get to know, and it's uncomfortable in a different kind of way to be around them.

Being right sized is a measure of good self-esteem. Being wrong-sized (too big or too small psychologically) is actually a reflection of low self esteem. The over-sized person feels too small internally, and reacts (consciously or not) by trying to 'puff' themselves up when around others. They're working too hard to impress others as a compensation for an internal sense of low self worth. The under-sized person is essentially saying that they don't matter as much as others do.

Ideally, we change size psychologically based upon the situation. When we are leading a group or giving a talk, then we assume a larger size psychologically. When we're one of several people in a group, we shrink back down to a size emotionally equivalent to others around us. Sometimes, when we're trying to encourage others to try something new or unfamiliar, we may shrink ourselves psychologically in an effort to let them step forward and shine.

Being over sized is similar to the psychological concept of pathological narcissism. Being under-sized is sometimes a symptom of depression, anxiety, or general shyness. Being open to feedback from other who observe you socially is the best way to know if you're 'right-sized.' If you can't seem to find your right size for a given social situation and you live in the Chicago area, consider seeing a mental health professional at Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago, ask someone you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.

Teens and Self Esteem

A teen's self esteem is created and maintained following the acronym C-U-B-E. Kids need to feel Competent. This means that they can set meaningful goals for themselves and work in some sustained way to meet these goals. Such goals can be very broadly defined such as school grades, physical prowess, playing an instrument, artistic talent, creating and sustaining high quality relationships, giving to the community, developing their spirituality, or becoming a better sibling / son or daughter.

Kids also need to feel a sense of Uniqueness. They need to feel like there is something special that defines them. They may symbolize this with a slightly different style of dress, hair, music that they listen to, or other area of interest that is a little different than the masses.

They also need to feel a sense of Belonging. This is so important to kids, that some will choose affiliation with less desirable groups (gangs, other kids you may not approve of) in order to feel a sense of belonging with others, particularly peers. Being socially isolated is a major cause of teen depression.

Kids also need Encouragement. They are particularly influenced by the encouragement of parents, teachers, and other adult role models. This means spending enough time with the teen to find out what's important to him or her.

If you sense that your teen suffers from low self esteem and you've tried everything you can to help him or her, in the Chicago area, consider seeing one of the mental providers of Heritage Professional Associates. Outside of the Chicago area, ask someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health provider.