There is a general belief that all good human traits seem to 'wire together'. So, someone who is kind, is also generous. That person also shows compassion and it is presumed, that with all of these wonderful traits they should also have an abundance of empathy. Neighbors routinely comment on how this person is so nice, generous, and must be wonderful to have in the family. And yet, despite the real presence of all of these wonderful traits, you are baffled by what seems like the repeated and consistent absence of empathy from someone who love. You tell them in clear language those reasonable things that you would like, things that you need, or what is important to you. And yet these things are routinely ignored no matter your manner of delivery. Whether you say it kindly, with tears, or anger, none of it seems to matter. This lovely person seems utterly incapable of putting themselves in your emotional 'shoes' to understand how you feel. As a result, he or she cannot adapt their behavior accordingly.
And certainly, there are notable personality problems including personality disorders in which empathy is glaringly absent. These include narcissistic personality disorder as well as antisocial personality disorder (formerly known as a sociopath). People with these personality disorders routinely violate the rights, liberties and feelings of others. They are seemingly incapable of understanding how another person feels. They are only looking out for themselves, and are fundamentally incapable of considering that another person has needs, feelings, drives and wishes of their own.They are highly manipulative and you usually get feedback from others that they are not very well-liked. This is when, if blinded to such personality disorders, you think of marrying this kind of person, relatives come out of the woodwork to tell you that it is not a good idea.
But this problem of lacking empathy can occur in a far more subtle way with people who otherwise appear kind-hearted, compassionate, and possessing an abundance of what looks like rather good values and priorities. Over time as you know them well, you come to understand that they really don't seem to know how you feel. You can tell them over and over how something hurts you, how much it would mean for you if they could honor a wish or request, but repeatedly, these kind-hearted and good people sidestep your requests and you end of feeling angry, resentful, and utterly bewildered by their lack of consideration for what you have asked for repeatedly. You can feel crazy in your frustration, not understanding how an otherwise lovely and compassionate person can routinely violate your wishes, needs and feelings despite the fact that you have articulated them several times in every way that you know how.
So, what seems to be the problem? Sometimes these otherwise lovely people are raised in families where it was hurtful when they were children to try to understand how another person felt. A parent may have placed impossible demands on a child, and was somewhat inconsistent and unpredictable when a child tuned into the parent's needs and wishes. That child (your loved one now), learned over time that having empathy for another person 'cost' them. Or they were indulged and catered to so much that they didn't need to tune into others' needs. Either way, they grew up by following general principles of value-based living. Strive to do good, be kind and considerate to others, and live a purposeful and noble life. But such good traits are carried out in the absence of being able to tune into the needs and feelings of other people. They become utterly bewildered when given the feedback that they are self-centered, thinking only of themselves, and seemingly incapable of responding to the needs and feelings of others.
Unfortunately, sometimes the best way to get through to one of these loved ones is to treat them the same way that you are being treated. They may have to experience feeling what it is like to have someone ignore their emotional needs and requests, for them to understand that this is a very unloving and hurtful way to behave. They may be able to change their pattern of behavior not really because they have now developed empathy, but because they are able to modify some principles about how to live based on the particular lesson you have just given them.
It is not easy to deal with these very painful and difficult dynamics because they are often so subtle and couched within the personality of a person who otherwise has so many wonderful traits. If you are struggling with this dynamic and live in the Chicagoland area, consider seeing one of our psychotherapists from Heritage Professional Associates. If you live outside the Chicagoland area, look to someone whom you trust for the name of a reputable mental health professional.
